Resistance to whatever this is

Spending yesterday w/Velma was SO lovely - a perfect antidote to my current situation. She came to pick me up and brought the loveliest gift of a handmade paper box w/a stone inside before driving to Clayton to visit the Thousand Islands Arts Center, which houses the Handweaving Museum that she used to run years ago. She knows the current director, and we got to meet the registrar and get a peek at the process of digitizing of the collection. We stopped in at the beading class since Velma is friends w/the instructor, and got to meet the resident potter who showed us the old papermaking equipment that Velma had helped acquire but has sadly been sitting in an attic, neglected and unused. The plan is hopefully to get her to help w/setting up a papermaking outfit in the new space and getting classes started. No brainer!

She took me to Teaism, which is part of Winged Bull Studio run by Greg and Karen Lago, for the most delicious lunch. Fresh-squeezed lemonade, cilantro soup, salad, and quiche. It was so good to hang out with someone who is good at listening and sharing and understanding. She drove me back to the front of the public library where I was supposed to wait for Ben, and we ended up talking until he pulled into the parking lot. I was especially moved when she talked about how she thinks that making art is a serious and important activity in the world (different from artists taking themselves too seriously!).

After swapping custody, the next stop was the hail and farewell for incoming and outgoing officers at the base; my first military function. It involved a dinner that resembled a turkey day spread, a spoon the size of a medium-sized child, a great many officers (mostly not in uniform), and a drawing where I won a ginormous beer mug. I NEVER win things, and was hoping I could get away w/NOT fetching the prize, but I had to. After the event was over, Ben actually let me drive his new car home (I was the DD), which is the first time I've driven in well over a year.

Last night, I agreed to move up here in the fall. I then proceeded to not sleep well and couldn't get back to bed after Ben left for work, so I went for a walk in the dreary weather and felt insanely depressed. I went to the tiny "private beach" next to the marina and just watched the water lap at my feet for a while, wondering what I am doing with my life. I realized a few things:

1. I hate commitment to people (I like it to intangibles)
2. I am terrified by my schedule for the next 5 months
3. I have never been this far away from my family in a long time (esp since I lived so close to so many family members in Seoul), which never felt weird in the past, but now makes me feel unmoored and isolated
4. I need a LOT of love, which is why I befriend so many people, so I am wary of a decision that would take me away from all of those people. When I think about sacrificing community for a partner, I think about a conversation that I had with Ben about how, often, beliefs and practice don't line up. My problem is that I hate for those two things to NOT line up, so making sacrifices like this is super out of character for me
5. I wish I was a duck (I wanted to sail out onto the water today).

All of this just exhausted me. Time for a 9am nap!