Monday, October 31, 2011
Scarier than ghouls
Today is the deadline to comment publicly to the Dept of Health and Human Services before they decide if women can purchase private health insurance that covers abortion services. You can do that here or via PP: "Take a moment right now to contact HHS and tell them to protect women's access to the private health insurance that covers all their needs before the October 31 deadline: http://ppaction.org/hhsfb"
Working through sadness

But these days I have been trying to train new habits, or at least try them out to see how they fit. I have regular pockets of sad time, getting used to not having Ben in my life anymore, and re-read a quote yesterday about the best cure for all sadness: to learn something new. I always sign up for classes after a breakup, and it has been fascinating to witness my resistance to listening to my new teacher, because I am so used to NOT designing and NOT spending a lot of time planning something out before I dive in with the intense hand work. I finally relented a little and was given permission to start carving my blocks. It's funny, since I am compulsive about planning certain things (like my life and days) but can't stand planning other things (like cookie recipes, trips, and image/color separation of images).
Today, I am already an hour behind the regular schedule. But I'm still hopeful that I'll get most of the list checked off by nighttime.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Hunker down

seeker of truth
follow no path
all paths lead where
truth is here
--e. e. cummings
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Dim, dimly


It's all very disheartening, especially on a rainy day, but all the more impetus for me to continue mining my recent past, making choices about how to spin it, how I am writing and rewriting my own history in hopes that it serves a greater good. It's not just about the papermaking, but I'm grateful that papermaking woke me up and that I get to write about working in water on rainy days.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
10,000 words, 10 hours

Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Calmer
Real work

Sunday, October 23, 2011
Whizzing + contemplation



The site adjacent to ours has already been excavated. Larry informed us that they had uncovered a burial: an Anasazi woman, approximate date A.D. 1050-1200.
"But what was unusual about this site were the objects we found buried with her--three ollas, corrugated vessels used for carrying water, and several large balls of clay. You could still see the palm prints of the person who had made them." He paused. "She was wearing a turquoise pendant. We believe she was a potter."
"And where is she now?" I asked.
"We reburied her."
I feel like a potter trying to shape my life with the materials at hand. But my creation is internal. My vessel is my body, where I hold a space of healing for those I love. Each day becomes a firing, a further refinement of the potter's process.
I must also learn to hold a space for myself, to not give everything away. It reminds me of the Indian teachings of Samkhya:If you consciously hold within yourself three quarters of your power and use only one quarter to respond to any communication coming from others, you can stop the automatic, immediate and thoughtless movement outwards, which leaves you with a feeling of emptiness, of having been consumed by life. This stopping of the movement outwards is not self-defense, but rather an effort to have the response come from within, from the deepest part of one's being.--Terry Tempest Williams, Refuge: An Unnatural History of Family and Place
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Where I wish I was

We had a delicious lunch, as always, and it was a rare treat to spend so much time with her. I felt this compulsion to help her, since I used to work for her, and was so grateful for the mentoring she continues to do for me. We talked about the lack of awareness and research in injury prevention in papermaking, how you really can have everything you want in life as long as you are clear about what it is you want and are patient, massive life changes, making work in the world versus networking in the world, weaving paper, and so on and so ON. To feel the changes in both her and myself were fascinating. Plus, it was a beautiful day.
Then I went to prep for class and it turns out we are at full enrollment! Two more women signed up, and it will be a really nice group. I was completely hung up about trying to design a print that requires the least amount of carving work possible. I will definitely be the exasperating student, which is funny after our afternoon talk about the need to work hard. I'll get over it soon enough; I probably needed time to resist myself for a bit before I do the right thing, or simply go into competitive mode when I see myself falling behind everyone else. Oh, the joy of working amongst people again.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Muddling along

Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Shopping and ABBA

BTW, I am looking now at Chela's new work and want it all.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Drawing straight lines


Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Pleasant things



Thursday, October 13, 2011
Newness

Wednesday, October 12, 2011
True warmth


Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Stasis


It doesn't seem like a big deal but to me right now it is.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Inheritance

Sunday, October 09, 2011
Landscapes in China

Opening: October 15th, 2011, 3:00 pm (Lecture at 2pm)
Exhibition Date: October 15th-30th, 2011
Venue: Inside-Out Art Museum
Address: No.65 Xingshikou Road, Haidian District, Beijing
Miniblog: weibo.com/insideoutartx
Sponsor: Beijing Xishan Industry Investment Co., Ltd.
Beijing Inside-out Art Investment Co., Ltd.
Media Support: Art China
Tel: 8610-6285 6651 Fax: 8610-6285 6688
Something of a true weekend

Yesterday morning, I wondered about why I am a generation (or more) younger than so many of my close friends. Was I was born at the wrong time or am I again refusing to act my age? I thought as a pre-adolescent that I'd be able to skip adolescence after reading about how terrible it was. That backfired, I actually delayed my adolescence, and now am way behind where I "should" be, developmentally. Yet for years, I have been reading about death and dying, about preparing for old age and the end of life, and I wonder if I'm again trying to skip a decade or three. I spend so much time hearing about menopause that I sometimes think my symptoms are related, even though they are most certainly not.
This last trip to Cleveland at least made me feel like an adult in a few ways: being sick enough but having to work, so succumbing to buying OTC drugs, gaining more confidence when backing out of driveways, and remembering every time before it's too late to turn off the headlights when I park the car. And, this weekend, letting myself have a weekend!
Friday, October 07, 2011
Memento mori

These days, all days, it seems appropriate. In Cleveland, my host/surrogate mom said she was glad she didn't have to raise small children right now (her sons are in their mid to late 20s), and how sad it is to see that people don't really care about each other anymore. She has always been an active member of her street collective, a volunteer, works hospitality in a hospital, takes care of a woman with MS, and has started taking care of a stray cat that appeared when her beloved dog passed of cancer. She's a wonderfully compassionate human being, built to be a caretaker, though even she needs a break from time to time. But when my sister asked me what exactly that meant, about people not caring about each other, I said it was bigger than not helping your elderly neighbor take out the trash or giving to those in more need. It's the outrageous stuff that happens every day, like men thinking women need to "be prepared" for rape, men who are public servants. Though we've all given up on politicians, it's because they've forgotten the job they were actually supposed to do, to serve the public. I don't think people know what service looks like anymore, or feels like. Maybe we're all in denial of dying, or in morbid fear of it.
At least now I have this beautiful bone.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Early stages of attachment

I'm not taking it personally that it rained almost my entire two weeks in Ohio and the sun came out just as I left. The weather doesn't care about me. I slept in and managed to get back into the physical self-care routine I had created for myself, and was relieved that I hadn't really lost any strength. Though it's hard to imagine I could have, after so much big papermaking. I wish there was some kind of exercise that prepares you for that kind of physical exertion, but the only thing I can imagine that would come close is farming. Now I am back to the usual mental and administrative exertion that happens as I park my ass in front of the computer. With a pause here and there to snail mail love out into the world.
Monday, October 03, 2011
Small victories

Sunday, October 02, 2011
A brief breather




Over the years, I keep feeling a veil that falls behind my eyes when I interact with people. Maybe it became more noticeable when an ex-friend told me that I was cold. This horrified me, since I had spent much of my teens and 20s trying to be warm and huggy. But as time passed, I thought, maybe I am cold. Or, maybe I need more space than I thought I did. I hated myself for a while when I'd feel the screen come down: I'd hear myself talking and feel myself going through the motions, but I never connected. I worried that I was a fraud. I felt it last night during the demos, and probably self-preservation instincts were kicking in--maybe there is no way to survive without the shield. It has been hard to make paper amidst crowds, or even a few people, or even with one person that I like very much here and there. I like making paper alone. That's the whole point for me, just me and the mess.
I was amazed by how all of these people who were a generation older than me were still energetic and hanging out after the open house, with no signs of leaving or flagging. I left at midnight, feeling like crap, since I've been battling season-change-over-worked sickness and in the middle of my period. But even though I was completely wrung out, I stayed up to work. I've felt out of sorts since I got to Ohio because I haven't been on top of my admin, my daily ordering of my life, my compulsiveness. Once my receipts were labeled, logged, and filed, and various other pressing things unraveled, I finally felt like I could crawl into bed. But it has been COLD, and windy. I could barely breathe from congestion and then fell into a natural state of grief, crying in my exhaustion. My loss is different and less profound than hers, but I read Susan Tweit's recent blog post, and her keening resonated deeply.
I obviously fell down this entire trip on self care, trying to survive solely on drive. But I can't sustain it. I watch Tom and marvel at how he can keep working, all day, all night, every day, for years, without much fuel, with such a good heart and attitude. Meanwhile, I feel like a dried-up carrot that has been run over and is washing away in the rain. This carrot soup has another long drive back to Oberlin to drop off books and have a meeting, then back for dinner with my surrogate mom, and then a giant pile of work before tomorrow's lecture at CIA and workshop with enthusiastic book arts students. If I'm lucky, I'll muster up the strength to do one last papermaking afternoon on Monday before packing it all in for Tuesday's flight home. Today is my first day not getting wet after a week of pushing too hard. Maybe this breather will make it possible to have one last quiet papermaking session tomorrow before I'm done for the year.
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Today's the day!

See you soon!
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