
Cheating, I know - an old photo, and Chela's at that! But I have thought about this walk a lot lately in little bits. Today, I met Joseph at the Division blue line stop and walked to school. That's about 4.5 miles. It wasn't as lovely as the tracks, but it was good company and I didn't get hit by any cars. I had an awful time of making paper today...the milkweed still wouldn't beat down and I had to chop it in the industrial blender, and then put it in the beater. Somehow, I also thought that beating and pulling about 3.5 pounds of abaca was also a good idea. Not a good idea. I was too tired, and not motivated at all. I almost gave up and offered my pulp to a current student. But I plowed on, and pressed, and was loading it into the dryer when Cecile came in.
This is the part where I have to share awful, depressing news. She said I don't have to tell anyone, but it's one of those ugly things about me that I feel like I need to air. In a nutshell: I used the wrong part of the milkweed plant to make paper.
I can't even explain all of the backstory and HOW and WHY that happened. I can't believe that I blew out my shoulder and couldn't work and had Jami and Shawn and Chela help me scrape the milkweed. I am horrified that I threw the right part away, and that it was really easy to harvest, and that it is sitting at the bottom of a compost heap right now. Milkweed is the only thing that monarch butterflies eat. It is really hard to find in cities b/c people hate it and try to get rid of it. I had an amazing opportunity to harvest beautiful, tall, thick, untouched stalks, and I threw away the part I was supposed to use. Why? B/c I read too quickly. B/c I made assumptions about it being like woody bast fiber. B/c I was single-minded and stubborn. It is such a strong metaphor for my life that I almost could barely breathe and stand when Cecile told me. Hopefully, I learn a bunch:
1. be patient
2. read carefully; be okay w/slowing down when reading
3. dismantle assumptions
4. ask for help (I had even thought at the farm, "I wish I had Cecile's email")
5. don't blame other people (I took out my anger about the milkweed on everyone else)
6. be open to learning
7. be open to failing
Ay. I am horrified, still. I'll unload the paper tomorrow, maybe this weekend. I do feel lucky to have had time yesterday w/Elizabeth & Terttu & Nathalie & Joseph, and more good people today - mostly by coincidence at the reception for the show I was in. I need more rest, but feel like I can't stop. My body hurts from sitting so much. The tickets to Japan & Guam are booked for February. It's hard to keep up w/myself.
The man on the plane in my row asked me, "do you work?" And I said, "yes, I work really hard. But I don't get paid." Keeping up w/myself is exhausting.