Just posing

[Diane took this and many other lovely photos in my studio when we thought that I was going to be participating in the ill-fated art fair. I'm pretending to work on my shoe sole, which I had hoped to finish this month, but after unexpected schedule changes, I doubt it will happen.] Today is the first of four work days I have left before my sister arrives and I have to start wrapping things up. I sent my manuscript and other pieces of it back to my publisher, but have yet to select cover and frontispiece photos. And am still far from finishing my index list. Eeks! But I have to still hope it will all come together.

All over the place

I believe that the stress of the last several days has caused me to choose to drink every night since Wednesday. The fair finally ended today, and I went almost every day either to drive Cobi, pick him up, or visit him at the booth.

On one of those trips, I visited the Museum of Contemporary Native Arts. These two signs come from an outdoor installation (that reminds me of an installation I saw in Jamaica in 1998).

I also revisited the history museum and FINALLY got to meet Tom Leech in person, albeit briefly, and take a nice long time perusing the beautiful broadsides that he printed and marbled and made paper for. This one was my favorite.

I did my best to be the bigger person at the fair when visiting, and reintroduced myself to Professor Lee Yu-ra, who was visiting from Korea. I had interviewed her in Jeonju at the very end of 2008 during my research year and it was good to reconnect.

Cobi next to one of his sold pieces! He is brilliant and so is his art. If I didn't like and respect him so much, this whole experience would have been a million times harder to take.

Yesterday, I tried to paint all over a HUGE sheet of hanji, and failed miserably, as I always do with paint. Then I realized that it was three sheets laminated together. So good and bad means I have two more sheets to deal with (problematic because that wasn't what I thought I was dealing with so that means extra work) and the other two sheets don't have as much paint on them. I started knitting this at 10pm tonight while hanging out with Cobi and John.

Dianne took me to the Folk Market and WOW. What a spectacle! But I found almost immediately what I wanted and got this enormous shawl, silk, hand stitched. I wanted everything in the booth but obviously could not afford to do so. It's for a wonderful cause (women in India) and I already napped with it today. We stopped at Tune Up Cafe for food before seeing Cobi and his work at the fair.

I got very, very little studio work done this weekend, and very little work done in general, but I've had some really great quality time with Cobi and John and did my best to make a little homecoming for the former to celebrate his sales and end of fair: peanut butter cups, potato chips, and cottage cheese. This week, I have exactly four days to get everything done that I want to get done (manuscript, using up my hanji, maybe even weaving a shoe sole). This was my last weekend working/on the compound: the next brings my sister for a little trip. Hoping for very focused, undistracted work time until then!

Spent

[Steve's piece, installed here until the end of the month. I finally voted last night, and I bet you can guess which button I pushed.] I wasn't able to properly sleep last night, only about three or four hours, but managed to get to chapter 9 (of 11 total) in my edits before I went with Cobi to the fair opening. I was concerned about how I'd end up behaving but it all turned out fine. I expressed my dissatisfaction clearly to the organizer, received her apologies, talked with the professor from Korea that I had interviewed back in 2008 (she appears briefly in my book), saw a lovely local couple and got very good professional advice, drank champagne, met the mayor, and was so happy for Cobi b/c he sold a piece! We were all super proud and excited.

I'm exhausted but hoping everything is in the simmering down process. I have just about exactly two weeks remaining here, and so much to do! But I'm hoping the rest is ALL GOOD.

Gorilla wrenches

I painted pedestals last night in anticipation of installing my work today at the art fair. I had no idea how bad things were going to get. Cobi and arrived early (as instructed very firmly) to register at the convention center at 10am. We were told we were too early and walked around a little, and then sat down to wait. When a woman came up to us to ask who were were, I introduced myself and she said, "We have a problem." She sat down to tell me that because our booth was directly next to the booth of a Korean gallery and a hanji demo booth, that I would not be allowed to exhibit. Apparently, she felt that my being Korean American and working with hanji would conflict with this gallery that exhibits hanji work and with female Korean artists who use hanji (throughout the day, it was emphasized to me that they were women). She asked the very tired, jet-lagged Korean person in charge of the group how they would feel about me being next to them and they supposedly felt very uncomfortable and unhappy. Because they paid 10K for their booth, it then was important to make me feel very uncomfortable and unhappy by removing me from the fair entirely. The organizer said she felt awful and would make it up to me (I can't remember if she actually said she was sorry), but refused to give me her contact information, instead saying I should get it from someone else to send her images of my work.

I was shocked. Cobi was, too. I drove us to the art store and hardware store and back home, and went to the office, where the staff was very upset. They had gotten the news but were told that my work might be exhibited in a different booth by the organizer's gallery, but I had to email my images to ensure that my work was not too close to the Korean artists' work. I had already bought packing materials, packed some work, and removed and mounted all the wall pieces. All I could do was wait in limbo to hear word. When I heard nothing for hours and was sick to my stomach all day, I decided to go back to the convention center to find the organizer and speak to her. A staff member accompanied me and when we arrived, we were told the organizer was not available but instead we could speak to her brother, who was producing the event. Though the staffer insisted over and over that he look me in the eye and speak to me directly, he kept turning and addressing her. The arguments ranged from, "We'd never have two glass blowers" to "It would be like hosting two galleries that both represented Robert Rauschenberg" to "These women paid their own way to fly here all the way from Korea" to "Well, you only found out three days ago so what's the big deal." He begrudgingly said, "I can't do anything about this; I'm sorry about that," several minutes after the staffer told him it would be a great start if he could just say, "I'm sorry." He said they weren't going to do anything for me at all beyond excluding me.

I was sickened by the unbelievable layers of discrimination leveled against me. The outright racism, the sexism, the You're Not From Far Enoughism, the media-ism, the income bracket-ism. I was disgusted by how clear they made it that they did not value me as an artist or a person nor did they respect my work or time. I lost days of work on a manuscript for a book that is on deadline. The ironic thing is that all I have been doing for the past five years is working to help artists like these by bringing more attention and awareness to hanji and its myriad manifestations. That they see my body and my work as a threat (of course, when I saw their booths, it was confirmed that their work is completely different from mine) amazes me. When I tried to explain to my family what had happened and I said to my father that I was not allowed in because I was Korean, he said, "But you're NOT Korean." It made me laugh, because it's true. I'm too Korean, yet I'm not Korean enough. In the end, what it boils down to is that I am not RICH enough. If I had plunked down 10K, I'm sure there would be no object. [Or if I was a man, or if I was white, or if my name did not sound so Asian.]

What else happened today? Laundry, cleaning my room, crying, calling Marci while crying, talking to almost all of the residents here (who have been incredibly supportive) and the staff (ditto), beer, pizza, and unpacking and restoring my studio. It looks beautiful.

Gear change

Cobi and I had been told at the end of last week that there was a chance that we would represent SFAI at a booth at ART Santa Fe this week, and that we wouldn't know until the last minute. We found out today that it's happening! Exciting, but it throws my entire schedule out the window. I had started the day with visits to the gym, library, and grocery store, and then finally descended upon my manuscript. I felt good about my energy and ability to get through this round and broke for lunch after 30 pages were done, including captions. Then I got the art fair news! It's funny because I was using studio work to keep myself from MS work. But now that the artwork takes priority, I am using the MS to procrastinate.

Enough of that for now. Time to type up my inventory and price it. That bunch of cords up there will eventually become a paper shoe.

100 dresses but not really

I broke down and used some alum. I was torn between paper airplanes (which I didn't know exactly how to do anymore) and cones. The latter won.

I didn't bring my tripod so this is a dance with a camera on a ladder. The dress has an open back, hospital gown style, so it can be climbed into.

This was before I finished the fifth dress. The thing on the end is an apron, also hanji.

 I love this light table so much.

My sister insisted that this was exactly like a children's book that we both loved when we were little. Except I definitely won't make a hundred of them. This is all for now! Shoes and a fifth scarf and a manuscript await, impatiently. I had a great talk this morning with Marci and she had looked up something about goats because I had seen one stroll by my studio window yesterday (remember, we are on a concrete college campus surrounded by strip malls, so I was dumbfounded by this sighting). Photographer Diane came by and took me to an amazing embroidery exhibit by women who had suffered domestic violence. After tea at the Teahouse, we headed to SITE Santa Fe for the new exhibit opening, where I realized that my tastes have changed radically since I've started to look at art. Or maybe I am just more aware of what I like rather than what I think I am supposed to like.

Slog sleep struggle Saturday

Finished a fourth scarf! I said the third was the last, but I've started a fifth already. Surprise.

 This will have to do for now.

 I love the feel of nib and ink.

 The paper was thin so I needed something underneath while scribbling.

I have a new article out in the latest issue of Hand Papermaking about the technical aspects of building the hanji studio at the Morgan. It includes a paper sample of Cleveland-made hanji. I had to cut down 1,700 samples and of course, many did not make the cut. Here are a few after bathing in cochineal. I had wondered for a few days what would happen to my fifth dress and while dusting my studio table I realized that I had brought these samples with me and it all came together. Or at least, in my head it came together. Today was a weird day but okay, especially after getting the news yesterday that I got a scholarship to take a little printmaking workshop in NYC next month! And also after another long conversation with Minah about paper, hanji, the Alps, and my book. I'd like to push through the night but my body has been frantically signalling that I need to turn in and I am finally going to listen.

Light bright

I went back in to work on the dress, wishing I had more thin milkweed paper, and that I hadn't sewn up the dress already, but it's now passable. I'll see how it looks in the morning. I was able to hit the gym, shower, do laundry and admin simultaneously, lunch with Cobi, and then work for a bit before Rachel arrived for a welcome change of pace. We've known each other since the mid-90s and now she lives in Omaha but was making a trip down to this area for a little vacation. This was maybe the first time she's ever seen me in a studio with a bunch of work up and done, so I was happy that she was able to see things in person that she's only heard me talk about. We had a delicious meal at Jambo and stayed for what felt like a long time but there was still so much to talk about. I love seeing the way that old friends take their path and I take mine and we support each other throughout. I hope this energizes me for the weekend.

Stained hands

I made this yesterday, a book of paper that was quite imperfect. You can't tell anymore from the outside and some pages are fine, but others show all their errors.

I had to move the scarves to make room for another dress.

I'm not crazy about how it turned out so I'm only showing a corner for now.

Last night I was up until 4am. Partly because I decided at 1am to start grinding and cooking cochineal. I strained this morning.

The last dress will be from three different colored sheets that were all dunked in cochineal dye.

But no mordants, so you know what will happen sooner than later! Three new residents, all writers, arrived today. I've been too holed up in my studio to be able to meet and greet but they all seem nice.

Turning a corner

I felt okay this morning but then lapsed into fiery anger about an unsupervised staff dog that got into the trash and made a mess. It took two phone consultations and one in-person interaction to shake me out of it. I realize that being guilted about my relative privilege is a terrible way to make me stop feeling this way. Instead, I went to a different way of focusing on more positive things. I also ate, which helped, because I suspect a lot of the crankiness came from hunger and tummy malaise from stress. But after a very deep and long nap, I woke up to walk outside with Cobi (in red) to get a ride from Katie (far right, black pants) to her friend's bbq. Cornhole goes a long way to improving mood!

It was not too far out, in the foothills, but a WORLD of a difference in terms of climate and scenery. The couple does all sorts of gardening and doing things on the land, so a lot of food was fresh and it smelled like real earth (partly from the rain) and there were a lot of chickens.

The food was overabundant and delicious and there were impromptu haircuts outside and different music on the outside than inside and the only tummy ache I had was from eating too much and maybe laughing too loudly.

On our drive back home, we stopped to see the fireworks. This holiday is usually not a big deal for me, and I recalled last year's version when I was on the beach in the south, unhappy, recovering from a major life event, with my ex and his family. I liked that this time, the day arrived with very little pomp or preparation or anticipation but ended up wholly positive. AND I finished knitting another paper scarf!

Teetering but hoping to land on the right side

Today, I finally let myself lay low. Most of my day has been spent in bed or in my room, though I did get a little outing today with Cobi for groceries, a taco truck, and the art store (I just came along for a change of pace, I didn't buy anything at any of those stops). I used up the rest of my silver ink for these. I like slowly whittling down my supplies because it means I can go home with less stuff.

Now that I finally know that this binding works with thin, flexible paper, I've been making them to use up paper. The idea is that if I get rid of lots of my paper stash now, I will feel less guilty about their presence looming in my mind as I transition back to computer work/editing my manuscript.

I also prepped a bunch of hanji yarn, again to use up very flawed large sheets (2 x 3 ft each), but also because I am knitting a third scarf.

This SO made my day, a sweet little letter written onto four hanji notecards from Korea, from my teacher's paper mill. Julie had visited Korea and asked me for places to buy hanji. I told her to visit my teacher's Seoul retail shop and also to visit my natural dyeing teacher's studio, and she was able to go to both! I don't know when I'll get to Korea next, but love being able to send friends and acquaintances (and strangers) to my teachers.

I was able to have three phone conversations with three women that I love in NYC, D.C., and Salt Lake City. While I keep working on my five-year plan, this morning I wrote out something about wanting to have a community in close physical proximity. I feel myself get jealous of people who have friends and family and neighbors that they can interact with regularly and turn to for help. I know those situations can be fraught and have their own downsides, but I think I'm at the point in my life where I need and want it. For now, I'm grateful for phone contact. But in the future, I'd love for it to turn into tea and treats, long walks, and laying in hammocks.

Bits

Still sad about transition and said three goodbyes today. Manuscript edits are looming but I pushed them away with more paper yarn and knitting and binding books and TV and an entertaining lecture by Steve and a good talk with Marci. The best thing falling from the sky: RAIN.

Final and first day

[Me and Vagner at Ghost Ranch almost a month ago, the day before I fell off my bike, when I took walking for granted but not burgeoning friendships!] I had a hard time sleeping last night, from being too hot in my room to being too sad about everyone leaving all over again and other related thoughts. When I got up in the morning, I still felt bummed but did a grocery run after I saw that Chris and Carmie were going to take a day trip to Tesuque flea market and Ojo Caliente, which would also serve as a final farewell to Vagner, who was going with his friend to Ojo as their first night on a weeklong drive back to Detroit. I packed my bags to join them, and though I was afraid I'd be fried alive in sun and heat, it turned out to be a lovely day. I got to soak in arsenic, iron, and soda baths, do a mud bath, try both the steam room and dry sauna, and even made some hanji cords in a recliner. I read a bit and dozed a bit in a hammock, too. We had a scrumptious dinner on site and then walked out into a beautiful almost-full moon and path lights and lingered before I went in for a big hug with Vagner. It's good that it was dark because I was teary, but I'm glad we got to say goodbye after a day of relaxing together and NOT on residency grounds. Tomorrow morning I'll have to do that all over again when Rita leaves (and I'm sad I didn't get to hang out at all with her today, her last day! But I needed the outing). My edited manuscript arrived today, so it looks like my days of unfettered studio time are over! Hello, July.