"to kiss her, after. "

[the very last fragment from the very last installment of my collaboration with Ching-In. We exchanged twice a month for a year, and I can't believe it's already over. We switched from mail art to email art halfway through b/c I left the country.]

I am sitting here in a dark, cold apartment, second guessing myself heavily. I'm not sure if I made the right move. What was a good idea two months ago feels like a very bad idea right now, and I'm wondering if this is like when I was in Nebraska and felt bad and moved away to a different house on the farm, couldn't sleep, and then moved right back the next day. That was a little easier b/c there was no contract broken, harder b/c I had to have a difficult conversation about why I had felt so compelled to flee. The complications in my current situation all revolve around family and lies, both of which I've never been so steeped in before.

For now, I am confounded. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing with myself now that I'm cold and in the dark. I went out to meet a family friend, who helped me get THE MOST RIDICULOUS ski pants. Yes, that up there is the pattern. Let's hope the papermakers don't kick me out for looking so insane. But I decided that ski pants = waterproof + warm, which is what I need. It was either these or bright orange or purple. If I ever need to look crazy on the slopes, I'm set. For now, I'll just scare off hanji makers. And perhaps crawl into bed b/c I'm feeling a little ill.