Now we're rolling

This was the last I saw of my bricks, about 20 minutes ago. WOW. The last 24 hours have been crazy stress. "What else is new, Aimee?" you may ask. I paint myself into amazing corners. Estimates from art handling companies are still coming in and I will turn them all down now that I hired a local, who I first met when he threw himself down fourteen flights of stairs a couple years ago in a performance workshop with Marina Abramovic. You would think I would steer clear of such a man. I've made many, many, many awful mistakes in the past several years: bad photographers, bad editors, bad videographers, bad everything you could imagine. But I feel good about this. Really, I do. I still feel like I'm on some kind of crazy drug, though. No bricks in Tam's living room. Gone. Gone!! Maybe it's just the dark, bittersweet chocolate I ate. I am no match for caffeine.

Blake drove away after likely the easiest packing and pickup gig known to art handling man. Seriously. We bagged them up, I threw them over the porch, and he loaded them up. My work is a dream for people w/bad backs. Which reminds me about how excited I got seeing all the construction workers harnessed to the new el tracks at Belmont the other day when I was going to pick up my iBook (the new RAM is in the mail). Yesterday, I can barely remember: Event Horizons by Jeff Talman (a composer I funded back in NYC) w/Jay, his cousin, and a friend, the friend escorting us to American Girl Place so that we could be thoroughly horrified, lovely dinner w/Shawn at Green Zebra, and an always fun sleepover w/Shayna. I love my friends. She's so ultra smart, too, so it's good for my brain. We talked this a.m. about having kids vs. not having kids (she will, I won't). My reasons seemed weak at the time, but as I waved goodbye to the van, and the bricks that couldn't see me, that one reason became very strong. The next time I see my bricks will be in Massachusetts. Today, I get one last chance at making the rounds w/friends before I fly tomorrow morning back to New York. I love my life, I can't stand my life, I love it more than anything.

Baby steps

Guess who doesn't feel like rotating photos right now? I'm waiting now for the first of three estimates. No, four. I'm getting estimates from four vendors on how much it will cost to crate and ship this wall to the Boston area, and hopefully it won't blow my budget. I calmed down a little today, realizing that the only obstacle is, as always, money. If I had vast funds, there would be no panic, just ponying up cash. I'm going to do my best to sell this, too. No need to hold onto something the size of a chicken coop.

I had a great time yesterday w/Yoonshin. We talked about a lot of things, like our fear of success, and about my looming language project. I talked some things out that I haven't been able to (reminding myself that I need to write a LOT more than I have been). She understands what I'm addressing in a big way, as a Korean mom raising a daughter in America. I've been overwhelmed and stalling the work (the seeds started at Ragdale; I expect to flush out more research before heading to Wyoming in the fall), but she said not to delay. I told her about how daunted I am, b/c I believe this will be my life's work, not just a year-long project or passing thing. She said, be thankful, b/c some people never get to their life's work; they just do the little busy work on the side forever. True.

Finished Amy Bloom's Love Invents Us, and got the iBook back. It's most likely the RAM, but I can't even be bothered w/it right now. Priorities! It's all about the brick wall.

OH, NOW I get it

It's warm and sunny again, and I'm emerging from Benadryl haze again. I was emailing Elizabeth and realized what is wrong w/me: I'm not grounded. Silly me. I'm so ungrounded that I can't recognize it; I feel like screws are falling out of my head and I'm staring at them strewn all around me. Saturn's tough. But I promise myself that I'm going to deal w/these bricks today...just as soon as I ship a book to MOMA, and a box to myself in another state.

Third bowl of granola, soon

I bound three books last night before heading over to Andy's place for a dinner and movie extravaganza. Sarah made an amazing sweet potato dish and Andy did killer homemade corn dogs. Our eyes were burning from all the frying but we managed to sit thru another round of "Me and You and Everyone We Know." I think Terttu was the only one who hadn't seen it yet, but I missed the whole coin tapping thing the first time around, so I'm glad I got it this time. I'm still amazed that so many of my friends have partners named Andy.

I bound my own sketchbook today, cleaned Tam's place, went thru all my boxes again to try and reduce (there's not a whole lot left to get rid of), and had Elizabeth come over to help me bring my thesis upstairs. Well, I just needed the moral support. I didn't want to open the bags but she helped me through two of them and some great reconfiguration ideas for the upcoming show at the Fuller Craft Museum in May. It less daunting to see it all in front of me; I had expected a totally unmanageable nightmare, but now I see that I actually thought the entire thing out for exactly this purpose. I'm still going to put off figuring it out, though, until tomorrow. Time for a bath.

Heavy procrastination

I still have not bound the books I'm supposed to be done with, nor have I given much thought to dragging my thesis upstairs to measure and reassess for this spring show. Instead, I ran three rounds of errands, and succumbed to a terrible craving for dark, bittersweet chocolate. I decided on the train platform that I'm not interested in becoming a better person. I just want to be a stronger person. That's the only way I'm going to manage surviving the rest of my life. Thicker skin, toned heart, fortified bones, elastic joints, better posture, and I'm golden. Yesterday, I had a great spa (not Korean style) and sushi (Korean style) date w/Terttu, which led to a long sleep w/scary dreams about my sister getting a mysterious disease and me being forced to crawl in and out of really tight frames. Not having a phone is starting to seriously cramp my style, and I wonder if a month-long residency all alone on a farm is a good idea for me. But who knows where I'll be in 2008, so it might just be fine.

Art beat: I'm freaked out about the project that is starting to stare me in the face. I think it will be one of those lifelong ones that require incredible amounts of travel, language study, and demon fighting. I like to think that right now I'm just storing up energy to tackle it, not just sitting around reading Chinese horoscopes.

Losing specificity

I feel like the protection of photoblog week is gone and now I have to come out of hiding. I tried not to be location specific in the images, which was a real drag. Why? B/c some people in the world seem to think that tracking my whereabouts w/motives that are not in my best interest is a good idea. I remember being in Jami's car in Nebraska, and how she said that if I ever used the word "stalker" while describing a person, that I should stay far, far way from that person. She gets to present me a big "I told you so" next time I see her. I'm not living in complete fear right now, but I've become hypersensitive to fear that I do feel on a regular basis, just walking around in the street. It makes me sad. Eric reminded me that I've had scary unwanted attention since I was in high school, and Gi says that it won't ever end b/c I'm an artist who puts herself out in the world, and I look Asian.

A lot of people have been telling me to consider a private blog. I'm on the fence w/this one. I'm tempted to wait until Saturn Return is over, and then do two, one, or none. Advice, please! In the meantime, I'm treating myself to mint chocolate chip ice cream and salt & vinegar potato chips. More news: I got two more residencies, both paid. Wohooo!!!! One is in a state I've never set foot in; the other state is less exciting but who cares, b/c it's on a farm! And we know how I love farms. Another scary bit of news is that the show taking my thesis (brick tower insanity) can take the full height but not quite the full circumference. Regardless, it's a big chunk of space I get. That means some serious rethinking, crating, shipping, and installation. I just might have to head up to Massachusetts to take care of it. Yeesh.

Day 7: Over, already??? That was fast.

Day 6: I ate a lot of energy bars today

Day 5: My feet hurt

Day 4: I love my girlfriends. A lot.

Crap, I'm late: Day three

Day 2: Invisible girlfriend appears

PB week, Day 1: Two girlfriends and one is invisible

Countdown to fun times

I realized tonight that we're only a day away from photoblog week!!! Wohooo! This is great timing right now (thank you, me, for timing it). I can't wait. I showed my performance DVD tonight and got really good feedback. That was nice. Now I have all sorts of new dreams of re-editing a lot of my footage to get long versions of all my clips. I also have dreams about Lapin fixing my computer for good. I'm thinking positively, so it better happen (my new theory is that my RAM is incompatible w/my hard drive. This is a very exciting theory to me).

Daylight savings stole my nap

I could use a little dozing time right now, but want to write now so I can watch "Half Nelson" (my sis was the asst editor on it) tonight after dinner and then go to bed. The calmer/sadder half of Gili's mix is on, it's lovely out, and I see a red wagon from my window. Yesterday, I moved all my furniture and filmed three takes of a pocket performance, starring me and the piano. Then I went outside and filmed two takes of a pocket performance that stars me and the tree house.

I decided to call it a residency, finish up my sketchbook, and only use one flickr album to document the two weeks here. Not much object making. Today, Christina said that she did the "colony circuit" for a year, and by the end was ready to settle down and get married. Which means I better quit b/c I certainly do not want to do that. But the settling down itch is inevitable after all the wandering. I'm excited to see all my Chicago peeps. Last night, Maria had friends come from the city for a studio party. We all did a little breaking. Hilarious, since her bf was really good, and the rest of us were goofing around. I miss it, though.

Terttu visited last night, which was SO GOOD. I had a terrible stomachache for over a day, which disappeared as soon as I saw her. I kept offering to take her around or show her things, but she just wanted to curl up on the sofa under blankets and talk. I only realized this morning that she came to visit ME, not Ragdale. It was sweet. I got all of my panicky, paranoid theories about myself, my health, and my life out of my system. She said that she just learned the Photoshop tool that is making me miserable as I bemoaned the size of my abdomen: liquify. Apparently, it sucks people in w/o making them look distorted. Her visit was just what I needed to stay sane for the next few days. When I walked her to the end of the driveway and yelled goodbye into the suburban darkness, I felt like I was being left behind at an asylum as she went back into the real world.

Wait, it's already Friday??

I worked hard all morning to finish knitting the pages of this book. But I'm not sure now how to put it all together. I like the idea of it being messy, in terms of it just spilling out. But I'm not sure how to engineer that so that it can still be read. Oh, and I still have to figure out what will go inside of it, exactly. I've sewn a few pages together so it's a little neater than this photo (though I like this setup, too). I tried to tell Ching-In to not be down on herself about getting tons of things done every day, b/c we both suffer from the same overachiever mentality, where we make huge to do lists that only a robot could finish in a day. Then we feel bad when we only get a human amount of work done.

Today: the book, a walk to town to mail letters, laundry, a little piano, and now I think I'm going to watch a movie ("The Science of Sleep"). Dinner was amazing...for dessert, Linda put out pineapple that was rubbed w/orange liqueur and sprinkled w/nutmeg. Then we found an ice cream cake. Uhoh.

Inadequate lighting

Terttu emailed this to me today, saying that it was International Women's Day. I have no idea what that means, but I did spend a bunch of time at both breakfast and lunch reading the paper (my new favorite pastime that I don't do in my normal life), and felt sick to my stomach when I saw this on the front page of the NY Times. I mean, really sick. I called Cindy to wish her a happy bday and she was in a good mood but I had to tell her about it, since her master's thesis was about comfort women in WWII. I read a tiny bit of her research when I visited her in Sweden years ago when she was in school, but I couldn't handle it. It's incredibly upsetting. But so important that it is made public, and written permanently into history. She used to work for End Child Prostitution, Child Pornography and Trafficking of Children for Sexual Purposes, which is another thing I could never stomach. I wish I could, but no way. But regardless, happy women's day.

I made another quick book w/the paper Gili gave me before I left New York. I'm using the piano as a nipping press now. It's very convenient: you open the part of the lid that reveals the music stand, and put the book under it where it sits on the rest of the lid. I love multi-functional instruments.

I've been knitting this book that I couldn't do in VT b/c they didn't give me enough HEAT in my studio. It looks like just a big mess of shifu right now, which it is, but I'm hopeful I'll finish before Terttu visits Saturday night. Today's hippie moment: I tried again to get into the treehouse, and the trap door wasn't iced shut anymore so I got up into it!! And hugged the tree. There was a little sap coming out of one of the tiny branches. The snow on the prairie is melting fast w/the warm weather. Here's something to look forward to: photo blogging week! We're inviting any and everybody to join, March 15-22, 2007. Wohooo!