Monday, October 06, 2008

An issue of overabundance

I have to do my reading homework and then last-minute packing. I was so out of it that I didn't go to the bank today to see how much Fulbright took away from my monthly stipend (I'm tempted to ask for it in US dollars b/c their exchange rate is so much worse than the going rate). I realize that my stress comes from an overabundance of things, not from scarcity. I am here b/c I was awarded a grant. I didn't take their housing b/c of an overabundance of bugs and chemical fumigation. I had a few different options for alternate housing b/c people, ranging from strangers to family, were willing to put me up. I'm stressed out b/c I'm trying to be an artist and a researcher and a language student at the same time (while normal researchers only do one of those things). My family stresses about me b/c they care about me. And so on.

I was named Aimee, which is the female adjectival form of the French word aimer, to love. Which makes me beloved. I have spent my whole life fighting people so that they would spell it correctly (which, btw, seems to be a total impossibility in this country), but still won't own its meaning. I get so much love and somewhere along the way learned that I don't deserve it, so I throw it all back along with whatever else I can muster up. I have never learned to receive graciously. But if I don't, I'll definitely lose the rest of my hair.

Here is a video of the papermaker who said women can't pull paper b/c they're too weak. Seeing his technique, I understand what he's saying, b/c his formation style is very vigorous. I still think I could do it if I did some weight training first.


Anonymous said...

it's cake for you, you can totally do this. if you can build a brick wall then you can pretty much do anything. you know, i was listening to JT and thought of you. then i got a free ring tone for my cell and i think it's gonna be one of paula abdul songs, which one do you like better "straight up" or "knocked out"?:)

Anonymous said...

i love this word overaboundance. erick hawkins has this quote: "an abundant scoop from abundance equals abundance... [he says] if i can't show them [meaning audience] that then I better get off of the stage!"
i wish he was still alive. i'd be a groupie!