Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I might be able to make people cry

[I am really good at pulling string.] I had a dream last night that I was in an orchestra playing Mendelssohn's violin concerto except everyone was playing the solo part. And the female conductor was reprimanding us for not holding our instruments in a way that ensured that we were ready to pick up and play immediately. I took that as a sign and listened to Mendelssohn, Bruch, Shostakovich, and then Bach for a long long time. I didn't know about Hilary Hahn and Josh Ritter collaborating. I called the Buddhist nun down south and will probably go visit her next weekend.

Tonight, my cousin's wife (here's both of them) invited me to an opening for Jon Widman at galleryem. As usual, the food rocked. Good thing I didn't eat too much, though, b/c then we all went out for dinner - the artist and his family, all flown in from NYC, a bunch of other artists who will show at the gallery later, and the gallery people. I was very happy that dongdongju (a traditional fermented rice alcoholic drink that looks like butternut squash soup) was on the table. Since now it seems like I'm going to be a regular drinker. I doubt there is any way around it.

I am also mastering the art of napping while seated at a desk. It's the only way I can get through my homework, which my cousin's wife corrected for me. She said that it was a reallllly sad composition and that my teacher might even cry when she reads it. I titled it "Exhuastion" but really it was about me being an introvert and how that makes me tired all the time, since interacting with the world makes me tired (yet I do it daily). Here is the very crude translation of what I wrote today:
I am usually tired. If I stay home all day I'm not tired, but once I leave the house I get tired. Perhaps b/c I'm an introvert, living a life out in the world is harder for me than for other people. I get exhausted easily b/c I use too much nervous energy every day. If I go grocery shopping, strange thoughts arise. "If I browse for too long, maybe the clerk will think that I'm shoplifting," or "If I don't buy a lot of stuff they will curse me out," so then I think about buying more than I intended to. Also, I can't ask questions, for fear that people will think that I am stupid. The thing I worry about the most is checking out. If the clerk makes an error, I just say nothing and pay the higher amount. Also, if there are lots of people in line behind me, I am afraid that they will get mad at me if I don't pay and leave quickly, so I rush. So, for me, I dread shopping rather than enjoy it. Living like this tires me quickly.
Hm. Translating that was hard. Now I see why translations from Korean into English are usually so rotten. And doing that made me realize why she thought it was so depressing! B/c it IS. I made an artists' book when I was 21 called "Who's Afraid of the Cashier?" I can't remember what happened to it, but clearly it didn't exorcise my demons. See how Korean language tutoring borders on therapy??

Which reminds me: I need some gay male friends. But it's hard to find any since this society is CRAZY homophobic, and your life is pretty much over if you're outed. Tonight I heard that women who have gay friends don't like to introduce them to their female friends b/c they're afraid of losing them. Ay. But of course the place to find them is at the public bathhouse.

I also wanted to share Boram Hong's site. She is crazy sweet and calm and the best ever to live with. She has a show opening this weekend in Seoul at Andante Gallery.

Tonight: a full moon.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your essay made me laugh, empathetic-ally. In my journal at age 25, I wrote, "I am much too timid for my own personality." (Now, an entire lifetime later, add being nearly deaf and having to work really hard to hear on top of the strange thoughts, and yeah, I get really, really tired too. :-)