Sunday, November 09, 2008

"How do you feel? And how does that make you feel?"

I'm moved for now. It's temporary, as always, and I already miss the last neighborhood. But I suppose it's good to get a sense of other parts of town, esp the ones that are polar opposites. Since I'm super spoiled when it comes to being close to public transportation, this one is a little tricky, but I'll figure out the best way to get back north soon enough.

The trees have really turned, making me kind of sad. That, more b/c of my bad habit of making comparisons and judgments - about how far along I had expected to be in the fall, and then seeing how the reality doesn't match up. But the good thing is that I am away from the ants and a little more comfortable.

Yesterday was HARD. Packing, moving, unpacking, trying to nap and only getting 5 minutes of shuteye, and then a harrowing trip to the aiport (I had no idea what I was doing and the bus wouldn't take me all the way) to pick up David and Ellie. All while hungover. It was good to see them, of course, but I was just beyond beyond. Then I came home to a house party that lasted until past 3am, I think. Three nights in a row of being out, and then the party, so I have not really slept. I've likely gained back all my weight just from drinking and eating at weird times. But that's fine; I need to regain some stability, which won't happen until the week after next when I can get back to my research schedule.

I met a couple of Korean Canadians last night, brothers in the music industry. One of them was making fun of the whole "how do you feel" line of questioning in therapy, but I was like, hey! That's a hard question to answer. Lately, I've felt really overwhelmed by everything going on. I really needed today to be a day off, and felt badly about leaving Ellie and David to fend for themselves, but I just had to do my own thing. I got some homework done, hit the studio, tried to nap, tried to make some things, and then got all mixed up walking around in the rain. I was really torn about going back to where I just moved and going to the place that was offered me for a few days in the mountains. I finally trekked up.

And thank goodness I did!!! It's a steep climb, but I need the exercise, and it smelled like FALL, all the wet dead leaves on the ground, the quiet, the getting higher and higher and further from all my stress down there in the rest of the city. I am having detox tea, listening to Nina Simone, and cleaning up my inbox before tackling homework and then HOPEFULLY early to bed!

I have been sad about who I am and how far it is from who I want to be. I was climbing and thinking about how I want to be so much stronger than I am now. I think being here is part of it, since I've had to deal w/so many boundaries that I never felt strong enough to set. I want to get better at that. I've been feeling like I can't have anything that I want here, but I don't want anything that I CAN have back home. Today, while studying, I was thinking that maybe it's just in my blood to do that; I come from a family of scholars. I avoid it but always end up back there. So that's something else to consider. All for later, though, b/c I can feel I'm crashing. Time for a night alone!!

No comments:

Post a Comment

thanks for visiting!