Now that I'm done w/my tantrum, I'm tied up again on the floor w/spun cords all over the place, my hands sore from weaving. Ben reminded me that I am sending and attracting the wrong kind of energy by being so negative about all the things that are coming my way. I had said that I KNEW that my schedule next week was too good to be true, and that I was right, b/c I got a call this morning throwing it all into disarray. I travel to Andong tomorrow to translate for a group of US university administrators who will visit the papermill there. Afterwards, I was going to sightsee and meet a friend's friend. I had hoped to spend the night w/her and take my time getting back to Seoul, to get a moment away from the hustle and to enjoy the quiet. But now I have to rush back so that I can go to my teacher's mill on Sunday to start lacquering. Which means a Sunday trip, a Monday trip, and a possible Friday trip. Knives into all of my hopeful plans.
I think my general paranoia lately comes from being scared to articulate the things that I desire for fear that they will be taken away from me; that old scarcity mentality. I realize now that I'm using these faraway wars to cover up the fact that I want to be with someone that I care about. B/c somehow I think that love isn't allowed, or isn't enough. Then I stare at my own piece on the wall that says, "there is enough space for you," and I see another piece that traveled thru post to Jacklyn, and I remind myself to breathe before I dive back into the hand work.