Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Real surprises

I was shocked to find out last night that a sealed keyboard box actually contained brushes and paint for Chinese painting. Ben is uncovering all sorts of mysteries now that he is truly reorganizing: today is his final day in the Army. So much transition going on that I'm back to washing and hanging underwear daily since I don't know where I will be from day to day.

I engage in highly selective public sharing, even though only a handful of people read these words. I realize now that I've moved so far away from the openness and oversharing that I started with, out of fear. After seeing people's public words being used against them, I'm doing here the same thing I did with the lovely silver rental car I had for the last 2+ weeks: I imagine the worst-case scenario, and paralyze myself. [Though I'm proud to say that I returned the car last night safely after driving through almost five hours of rain and fog, the kind that makes you wish you could pull off the road but you don't because that would probably make it worse.]

I have been living this peregrine life for five years, but lately I have thrown aside all of the things that keep me sane and healthy. This year has been one of the worst. My irrational paranoia is that someone will come after me with a gun. Worse: someone would WANT to do that. I have been in an unhappy place for a while, but I think I'm crawling out of the worst of it. My friends and mentors have been extraordinarily kind and patient with me in the process, and remind me to try the same with myself.

Today, I'm starting over. And the same thing happens tomorrow.

3 comments:

  1. every day is starting over, it's a good thing to remember. and waking up happy is a marvelous gift, given if you're lucky.

    ...and those brushes!

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  2. I agree with Velma.

    Also, lately, I've been writing the blogs I want to write, then extracting and publishing only wee tiny snippets, and filing the rest away. It makes blogging rather dull; reading, too, I'm sure. So, I feel you there as well.

    But those are lovely brushes!

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  3. Treat yourself like you would your child!

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