Periods

Over the weekend, I had been talking to my sister while looking at the NYT coverage of Wimbledon. I was surprised to see an article referring to a woman bleeding (actually, kind of shocked, given how much men freak out about it - and a man, Christopher Clarey, had written it):

Jankovic, a 24-year-old extrovert whose matches are routinely eventful, had problems of her own on this sunny, relatively humid day. After saving four set points and winning the first set, she complained of feeling faint and was treated on court by the medical staff.

“I felt really dizzy, and I thought that I was just going to end up in the hospital,” she said.

Jankovic, who said the problem might have been linked to the fact she was menstruating, said she considered retiring from the match. She began crying as she had her blood pressure checked on court. But she ultimately decided to continue and said she experienced no other extreme symptoms except sluggishness (and the disappointment of defeat).

“It’s not easy being a woman sometimes,” Jankovic said. “All these things happen, and what can I do? I tried my best.”

I told my sister, and she wanted to see it, but the article had already been changed by the time I sent her the link. We talked about The Frailty Myth (which she wasn't a fan of) and the story about a woman who won the Boston Marathon but had gotten her period during, which had run down her legs the entire time. But the media apparently made no reference at all to it.

The crunch

Phoebe pointed out this display on the way to lunch - I visited her new space since she's moved her office south of the river to shift gears w/Andante. Her curator was there, and she called a photog friend over who had gone to my alma mater in Chicago in the 90s. Phoebe was talking about how as she gets older, her ideas and passion to execute them has ramped up, but her physical self can't keep up w/that energy. We had a good talk about being a female artist, about the labor (she calls it deep-blue collar work), and how we are super good at some things but then total idiots in other regards (in ways that other people can't even fathom).

Then I headed over to my Korean tutor's school to say goodbye. It was so nice to sit down and tell her about my latest exploits and get some good advice from her. She really was the anchor for me during my research year, and the best teacher ever. I can tell how the fruits of her labor, and mine, will take years to unfold. Which is nice; that kind of delayed gratification is the best.

I then rode 3 subway lines to get to a huge downtown bookstore where I browsed for gifts, supplies, and finally found a non-shrink-wrapped version of this gorgeous book on Korean art (scroll down for pic of cover and author Kang Woo Bang). He has done AMAZING research on this whole idea of how "gi" (chi, spirit, etc.) was depicted throughout Korean history in its artwork - paintings, ceramics, metalwork, architecture, religious objects, etc. - through specific iconography that many historians overlooked. If it wasn't so HUGE, I would have bought it. After that delicious sit-down-w/a-book time, I found a bench and did some weaving.

A couple hours later, I met Bo Kyung so that she could finally introduce me to Professor Kim at Koomin University who has been leading a project supported by the Ministry of Culture to visit all the remaining hanji mills, get a sense of what is being produced, making standards, and hopefully opening a place in Seoul that is accessible for the lay person to come and experience making it while learning about its history and such. It was SO GREAT to meet, b/c he's right on about what needs to be done, and has the energy and resources to do it. I'll end up helping w/English things and possibly coming back to help out if the facility really happens. I think that anyone who really has a sense of what the state of hanji is now knows exactly what needs to be done to keep it alive in a sustainable way. So it's just a matter of getting the team assembled.

We had more amazing raw fish, though I couldn't believe I was having 회 two days in a row, after having it once last week as well. Ben didn't help when he said maybe I'm feeling super out of it lately b/c of high mercury levels. But I'm actually almost too tired to worry!

The last full week

And it's packed. Today was phone calls, shipping another 10 kilos home, a faboo massage, doing my formal goodbyes in the Fulbright office, quickie lemon sorbet w/Esther, dinner w/Julie and her parents (more raw, still-moving octopus! and other marine life), walking around Hongdae totally cranky from humidity, bumping into an artist whose opening I will attend on Wed, an ice/ice cream/red bean/etc. dessert, and a nightly walk w/Kelsey.

This makes me SO EXCITED for a shower, even though I will simply start to sweat as soon as I get out of it. This is the week where I have 2-3 scheduled appts and a zillion extras each day, plus a two-day trip down south. The weekend will be all family since I was stupid enough to leave my weaving trimmers at my aunt's home in the burbs, so I have to GO TO CHURCH on Sunday to pick them up. I suppose it bookends my year in Korea well: my very first and last Sundays I go to church (tho never on any other Sunday). I wonder if it would be rude to weave in the pews...

Processing

I think this is the best MJ article thus far.

Tricky times

AGH. Today was the big family gathering in the burbs to commemorate my grandmother's death anniversary, 17 years ago. Four little ones, aunts, uncles, cousins, spouses. I was the useless female family member since I'm no good at knowing when and how to help as a dutiful apron-clad bearer of food, cooker of food, setting of places, wiping of tables, clearing of dishes, washing of pots, replenishing of plates, and so on. I did cut some fruit, though. I did some weaving and undoing and re-weaving and undoing again; my aunts are very good at these things and kept advising me on it and that was a little stressful, but helpful. One aunt was in town from the US, which was a surprise to me, so I got the shake down: when am I leaving, how long have I been here, have I accomplished all of my goals, what's next, when am I getting married? Good times, as always.

The unpleasant part is that now I have to add a few more farewells into my schedule. Very unwillingly. I have to change the date of my final group dinner, which is okay since I haven't actually invited anyone yet. And I have to visit a teacher that I don't want to see b/c she wants me to make a piece for her so she can claim it as her own, keep it, photograph it, and put it into shows as her work. I had planned on NOT doing that. But my aunt insists on saying goodbye b/c it's the respectful thing to do. This also means I have to get the hanji back from another family friend and just give it back to the teacher, and say I never got the piece made. All quite unpleasant even if I had abundant time. Especially unfun now that I have so little of it left here and I'd rather not lose hours to such tasks.

But at least I get to see my cousins one more time next weekend. And I suppose I can chalk it all up to abundance.

No rice for weeks

I've been so all over the place lately that I haven't turned on my rice cooker since I can't remember when. Plus, the hot weather kills my appetite. This is a slide from Erin's Fulbright Forum tonight on relations b/t North Korea and China [answers: 1. 1950-, 2. nothing, 3. no]. I know people are worried, but I'm fine and if anything were to happen here (highly unlikely) it would be instant death, so no worries. But all parties involved seem highly uninterested in war. A ton of my hard copy research is on a boat, my electronic files are backed up on my server, and life continues as usual. Some people say, "be safe! be careful!" but there is nothing to do in that regard. Tonight when I got out of the cab after helping the AIEA group of university administrators get back to their digs, the driver scolded me: ride back home! It's a long walk! What if a man sees you?? These are the real concerns of everyday life here as a woman (actually, it's quite safe here, more so than any other major city I've visited. Even though some serial killer of women lived in this neighborhood).

This is the last forum I'll attend; it was a treat to see Katherine again, and also the AIEA group. We all ended up going shopping afterwards, which was hilarious. Katherine gave the taxi driver instructions before seeing us all off, and he eventually asked if I was Korean and that my Korean was good and why wasn't I married? If I get asked this question on my last day here, that will be the neverending question of my entire stay, from day 1 to day 382. Good times.

I met Chunhwa this morning at the World Cup Stadium; I was badly sleep deprived so I said NO to the hike up the mountain that is actually an enormous pile of trash. After walking the park area and sitting by the artificial lake/pond, we went into the Home Plus (a mega mart of sorts) to eat Korean junk food for breakfast. On our way out, we were highly distracted by the huge sales and walked out in a completely new outfit (Chunhwa) with 9 new pieces of clothing (me). I also got a call from my weaving teacher: the lacquered pieces don't look good, so he wants them to get more coats next week, and postponed our farewell dinner to next Friday. Which meant I was able to go home, do laundry, nap, and attend the forum. The tricky thing will be actually making it back to Seoul next Friday after taking a 2-day trip out of town...nothing ever goes as planned here. Ever. Usually it turns out fine, but never as expected.

My newly-promoted bf (captain!) walked me through the rest of my stay, so I've stuck to the list and lots done. The remaining 12 days will involve individual farewells, a final group dinner, classes, meetings, and even tiny pockets of time for me to make art. His advice was to start packing NOW so I get a better sense of truly how much I have...I was reluctant to admit it, but it's a good idea. He totally gets the situation, having been a Fulbrighter years ago and having had longer stints in Korea. I think this means that I need to stop buying new clothes.

The farewell sea

I had made a third cup that failed miserably, and after my sister and Kelsey made those scrunched-up faces while viewing it, I ripped out the top and turned it into whatever this is. I know, it looks weird. But it was the best I could do considering how much cord I had left in this color/size and how much time/patience/thumb power remains.

I went to my dyeing teacher today intending to say goodbye, but he instead took me back to Djin Suk Kim's gorgeous exhibit, and said, "you'll visit again, right?" I didn't have the heart to say no. I'll either stop by once to say goodbye or call. It's too late to lie and say I'm leaving earlier, but I have to stop all the time sucks. I had texted Hyunmi to meet me so I could say goodbye to her, and she got it. She gets everything - she looked at my website and had spot-on feedback about my artwork. I really like the way she experiences and processes the world.

We went to Changdeokgung, one of the Seoul palaces. I had wanted to go for a long time but never got around to it. I had only really wanted to visit the "secret garden" behind it but we didn't do that today. It was a TOTAL scorcher and we went right after high noon, so I was totally wilted and barely shuffling along under my parasol, but I'm still glad we went. The park part is quite lovely and extensive.

[Flowers outside a past prez's compound.] Afterwards, I made it home to shower and collapse into a heap of more weaving. I also updated my sample books and pushed around more pieces of future work that have been haunting me. When I told Hyunmi about how my hands feel crazy and restless when not weaving, even though they are tired and in pain, my dyeing teacher said, "you know what that means: you're an addict." AAAGH! I'm one of those people who don't do well with storing things; I like to use up every last bit of material and then move onto something new. Knowing I have more cords means I feel like I have to use them all at once.

After cooling down, I got to meet Katherine for faboo shabu-shabu (which is SO close to my home. If only I had known sooner...). We got to do a farewell call to Frank, who flies back home tomorrow. B/c of our crazy schedules, I don't think I'll see Katherine again until we're both back on the east coast, which is sad. But I'm crazy thankful that she was part of my life here in Korea; she's been a total rock, a solid confidante, and like the wise old guru on top of the mountain, only she comes to you! And she's way more fun (and actually tells you things instead of hitting you over the head and giving you riddles before sending you back down the mountain).

Plans change constantly

After spending about six hours with my friend and her 9-mo son yesterday, I had to cancel my dinner date b/c having a baby stare at me while drooling was too much for me. Even though I spent much of the afternoon on my back in the living room that had been converted into a ginormous playpen, baby time wiped me out. But I imagine that spending lots of time with creatures that I don't understand would always be exhausting. Today has been a supreme loose-end day, but I got a lot of important ones tied up and then made it to calligraphy class on time. I had a hard time concentrating (likely b/c I was dehydrated and hadn't eaten lunch) but learned the rest of the Korean characters, including four that were originally created but later removed (those two at the end of the sheet above are two dropped ones). I practiced lots of circles and dots, which are super hard. I felt like my teacher was likely horrified by my work but he said nary a word.

We went out again for a delicious dinner and tea, where I felt slightly rude b/c I was still weaving. Earlier today I skyped w/my sister and showed her the piece I am working on now, and she was like, "you're getting so much better! Your weave is a lot tighter!" So that felt good. As cranky as I was about making that ginormous lamp, I realize now that it is really good that I did, b/c I had SO much surface area to weave, which meant tons of practice. That was the piece where I finally understood most of the mechanics of weaving. If I had done the piece I had wanted to instead of the lamp, I never would have learned this well. So, I guess teacher does always know best.

With just two weeks left, I'm in a mix of denial and panic; I've booked myself solid and realize that w/the exception of calligraphy, I should probably end all of my lessons this week, and give myself next week to travel and do solo things that will nourish me, things that I've wanted to do forever - visiting the national museum again, touring the secret garden in the best palace in the city, browsing and buying things for myself that catch my eye.

All this while simultaneously booking myself already for my return to NY: I have dates already for the first two days after my arrival. Foolish, brutal, unrealistic? Tonight, Jeong-In reminded me that it's too easy to become a workaholic, and that it's best not to get into bad habits of abusing and overstretching my body while I am young enough to handle it, b/c it will totally break down when I pass the threshold. I know this in my head, but again, tonight my hands are wildly restless.

Presto

[I had leftover cords, restless hands, and procrastination on the mind - so I made this tiny something. TINY, I say. Fits into my palm.] Yesterday I met five artists for dinner; Hyejin + four men involved in book arts and printmaking. It went on longer than I expected and the men also talked a LOT more than I've known men to talk, but it was a good time. They totally brought out the raw live octopus out for appetizers and I refused. I mostly eat everything, but draw the line when the meal is still moving. It was nice, though, to talk to Jung Ho about how even though many Korean traditions have been lost, there is still a very distinctive way that Koreans continue to make work, that blood is fierce like that. So that was a departure from the usual moans and groans I hear about losing important pieces of Korean heritage.

[I can't remember what I dyed this base sheet with, except that it was clearly done w/an iron mordant.] Today I get to do "fun" meetings - I'll see a childhood friend and her baby boy at lunchtime, and then a newer friend in the evening. I was fretting about not having made artwork that has very definite deadlines (by the time I leave Korea), but Jung Ho also reminded me that artists wouldn't be artists if they weren't always working intensely at the last minute - that we're used to this pressure and capable of delivering under it. Reminds me of how Ben told me that it's okay to take time for fun b/c likely I'd just be procrastinating - no need to pretend that I'd be using that time to really work.

I lived to tell the lacquer story

I didn't react to the lacquer! Granted, I thought I would pass out from the turpentine that it was mixed with. But no skin reactions. I had been so freaked out in anticipation, worried that I had to eat a raw egg yolk and massage it into my skin (a folk prevention method), and had dressed to cover myself head to toe in case of reaction, that I wore myself out. But hooray! The tea cups, chamber pot, and lamp are all in their finishing stages.

My weaving teacher brought his pieces as well, so it was interesting to see how the lacquer took on pieces that had no finish, that had rice glue finish, and that had rice glue finish that had set for a long time (about a year). The colors were all different. I didn't do a great job but thankfully my teachers will take care of the remaining coats so that I don't have to make more trips out to the papermill.

We decided to use persimmon dye for the lamp, so my hanji teacher took a utility knife and cut through the hanji covering the platform we were sitting on to reveal a trap door to a basement where he stored the dye he got from Japan. Totally like a secret lair. It was amazing stuff b/c the color took right away (usu persimmon dye looks like white liquid, and the color doesn't appear until days in direct sunlight) AND it didn't stink to high heaven (usu it smells like vinegar gone bad).

We kind of cheated when doing the persimmon dye by pouring it in and rolling the lamps around rather than brushing since the pieces were so big. Then we hung them to drip dry in the sun. In the meantime, we looked around at the new construction on site, projects in progress, and some documents that my hanji teacher bought for research that were hundreds of years old. The most amazing being the thick paper that was dyed a brilliant red - it had to have been natural dye, but you can't even get that color nowadays.

My weaving teacher tricked me into eating green plums off of two different trees. SO SOUR. The whole place was green, things growing everywhere. Then we went out for a nice solid dinner of gelatin on bones and I got more history lessons. My hanji teacher then bought us tofu and acorn snacks. My weaving teacher and I got stuck in awful traffic (Sunday night - everyone returning home from a weekend out of Seoul), but we set a date for final delivery of the finished pieces and my farewell party w/my weaving teacher, his wife, my hanji teacher, and his two kids. I can't believe this particular chapter is ending so soon!

Before the next trek

Thatched roofs in the old village. They used to replace the straw every year in the past since it would rot. Hanji that covered doors and windows were also always replaced each year (b/c of normal wear and tear, like children poking holes w/their fingers). The New Village Movement in the 1970s called for the demolition of homes like this to make way for western-style housing - this nearly destroyed the hanji industry b/c suddenly there was no need for paper flooring, wallpaper, ceiling paper, window paper, door paper, etc.

The guardian tree.

Kenya (left, w/courtesy-of-Fulbright umbrella) and Myung-ja writing prayers.

The door to a famous home in the village. We are on the inside.

Antidote

For all the crankiness of getting up early and having a rainy, rainy day all day, today's trip to Andong was faboo.

It is always SO nice to get out of Seoul, and the rain only made the green things greener. We hiked a bunch more than expected but that reminded me of hiking the volcanic mounds in Jeju, so it was nice. Plus the company was amazing! I rode from Seoul to Andong with this year's American International Education Administrators grantees. Five were selected from US universities to travel and learn about aspects of Korean culture and education for two weeks. I'm totally jealous of their itinerary but was glad to get to tag along for part of the trip.

[Bird's eye view of the traditional village that we visited - it's situated in an ideal location in terms of geomancy, tucked into the bend of a river. It was so well protected by mountains that it was untouched by the Japanese.] My job was to translate for the group when we visited Andong Hanji, the biggest papermill (handmade paper) in Korea. Though I had taken such bad pictures when I had made my site visit there last winter, I didn't take any more today since I was so wrapped up translating. It was actually a very good gauge of how freaking amazing my Korean tutor is, considering that I came to Korea w/o much confidence in my language skills, and now can do on-the-spot gigs (albeit not perfectly) and have both parties be happy w/the results.

[The cliff we were on while viewing the village from afar.] I got to then go along for lunch, a tour of the village, and a visit to a Confucian study center before getting a ride w/an Andong native and expert on the traditional village, who dropped me off on the side of the road only to realize that I was meeting someone that she knew! I had tea at Younghee's home and then we had to have a hasty dinner b/c I didn't want to miss the last bus home. I had hung out w/her at her home last winter, but so much has happened since then. She told me amazing stories, esp about how her mom used a paper chamber pot when traveling to get married! And why paper is ideal for those purposes.

[Prayers tied around a 600+-year-old tree that guards the village. It was very satisfying to take a china marker to thin, waxy paper and write my prayer in Korean and tie it onto the sopping ropes.] It's late, and I have to travel in less than 12 hours to another papermill to lacquer my chamber pot and its other woven friends. But today was a great way to get the bigger picture of my year and all the possibilities for the future.

Coming down

Now that I'm done w/my tantrum, I'm tied up again on the floor w/spun cords all over the place, my hands sore from weaving. Ben reminded me that I am sending and attracting the wrong kind of energy by being so negative about all the things that are coming my way. I had said that I KNEW that my schedule next week was too good to be true, and that I was right, b/c I got a call this morning throwing it all into disarray. I travel to Andong tomorrow to translate for a group of US university administrators who will visit the papermill there. Afterwards, I was going to sightsee and meet a friend's friend. I had hoped to spend the night w/her and take my time getting back to Seoul, to get a moment away from the hustle and to enjoy the quiet. But now I have to rush back so that I can go to my teacher's mill on Sunday to start lacquering. Which means a Sunday trip, a Monday trip, and a possible Friday trip. Knives into all of my hopeful plans.

I think my general paranoia lately comes from being scared to articulate the things that I desire for fear that they will be taken away from me; that old scarcity mentality. I realize now that I'm using these faraway wars to cover up the fact that I want to be with someone that I care about. B/c somehow I think that love isn't allowed, or isn't enough. Then I stare at my own piece on the wall that says, "there is enough space for you," and I see another piece that traveled thru post to Jacklyn, and I remind myself to breathe before I dive back into the hand work.