Another round of re-entry

My website is loading SO slowly, so I figured instead of pointing people there I would just share some of the latest photography by Stefan, though some of the books have been done for months. This was when I was going to the studio a lot and making small batches with very specific goals.

This is the same content as the previous one but executed differently. There's even another version, in green, more similar to this one. I have been getting into the idea of reworking books and putting them all out there. Except I don't have the energy to put it all out there yet. The mix of getting back to the pool after almost three years away, ongoing PT because I always ditch my exercises when I travel, and backed up admin makes it hard to focus on any one thing.

This is a book that has been in the works for a long time and in January I thought it was going to be one thing, but then right before I left town it let me know it was going to be something else entirely.

It's made up of many different types of paper, dyed and decorated and manipulated in different ways, and also three deconstructed hanji dresses. The whole cover (not pictured here) is entirely made of an old dress.

And then of course this is the fourth dress, but NOT taken apart (like the one on the facing page). This was the first time I felt at a loss for what the next story would be, but now I have a better sense. This one involves my mom and her mom. The next points to my dad, which feels more pressing after being home for a bit and seeing how he is aging, and how sad it makes me. At least four of my friends have lost their fathers this year, and I know this is simply a factor of the age I am and the age of my friends, but it's still sad.

This is one of those reworking ideas: I took the text from an old book and sorted out a new way to present it.

These fragmented ducks started after lockdown and who knows if they will continue. But this was a good way to ease out of one piece and into another.

I was also torn about this miniature: does it want to be an artists' book or a sample? For now, a sample, from the scraps of the books up top.

This began after the duck lid and it was going to be something else entirely but then it became itself. I destroyed my hands on this one and had to take a day and a half away before completing it, and I don't even feel like I was working them that hard. But of course I was, because I was going from not twining to doing it all day for days.

It's how I felt yesterday taking out my violin for the first time since 2017. First, I was horrified to see that both of my bows had lost a bunch of their hairs. It seemed like at least a third of the horsehair had broken, the first time I've ever seen that happen. Then again, of course that would happen after years and years of not using them. I don't even remember when I last rehaired.

I played some and felt all of the old habits, but what I noticed more was the weakness in my hands and fingers and body. It became very clear why I have so many issues with tension in my jaw, neck, shoulders, etc. For the first time, I also felt the wisdom of my college teacher very strongly. Something about his fingerings and bowings and notes, and feeling very concretely why he had me play what I did and how. He wanted me to do this repertoire yet adjusted it for my weaknesses without letting me off the hook. I thought also about my old high school teacher and how I had to deal with terrible things because he was in the NY Philharmonic. Some say that the way people behave towards each other doesn't have anything to do with their gifts and talents, with their ability to work, but in this case I disagree. It's so easy as a student to learn when they are not creeped out by their teacher, and don't have to fear being harassed by them (for the latter, I'm not even talking about this teacher but many others I've had since. My excellent teacher at Oberlin was colleagues in the next state over with a sexual predator that I studied with briefly, though I was spared. After he was arrested, it made sense why his teaching assistant students, with whom I spent the most time, were mostly young beautiful women).

Balance is hard. Right now I am far, far from it. I feel like every time I climb out of one hole I fall into another. Like the Korean proverb about how after you climb one mountain, there are many more to come.

Hopefully in the next few days, if I don't get totally plowed by the admin, I will figure out how to get these images onto my website. It's balking for now, which is what I'd like to do. The upside: lots of beautiful farmers market tomatoes and other beautiful produce. And in just over two weeks, I turn the cart upside down again with a vacation on a tropical island.

Stefan Hagen (photography)

And I keep forgetting: my bricks are on view for just two more days this week (Tues & Wed) before the show closes in downtown Cleveland!