Monday, May 01, 2006

Epiphany. Crying.

OMG. Things are quickly becoming clear about my thesis opening. My mom said to my sister that my structure reminded her of this ancient Korean observatory. When they asked if I did that on purpose, I was like, not consciously. But it IS a structure I used before, in a book I made when I was 21 about my parents - one image of my dad and his school buddies, one of my mom alone in school uniform, and one of our family when I was 13 or so. The first two are before my parents ever met, since they met in the States after leaving Korea.

I just looked up the images online, and started to cry. This is the caption: "Cheomseongdae is one of the oldest structures in Korea. This unique bottle-shaped building was built in 647 during the reign of Queen Seondeok of the Old Silla kingdom and was used as an astronomical observatory. The base is 5.7 meters wide (17 ft) and stands 9.4 meters (31 ft) tall. Twenty-seven layers of granite cut like brick support the upper bars of stone that form the top platform. The granite-brick construction is similar to the method used at Bunhwangsa temple, which developed from contact with Tang dynasty China. Cheomseongdae is one of the oldest scientific installations on earth."

This is what I realized: Joan was right. I didn't need to be inside of my installation. I didn't need to perform, and if I did, I certainly did NOT need to draw comics for other people, or do anything for other people. I had felt such relief after that meeting, but after getting so much pressure over installation week about how I "had to" perform (as the resident performer) and being such a people pleaser, I caved and went back to the old idea. Even though my heart wasn't in it. I just knew I had to perform but couldn't come up w/something different in the time I had left.

The opening made me feel awful, and after therapy today, I understand why: b/c I took all the mistreatment of my piece as mistreatment of myself. And b/c I wasn't taking care of myself at all, and letting my space be disrespected. Yet I was still so desperate to render a service, to make people happy and comfortable, to be a good smiling hostess. Meanwhile, my family was stranded, ignored, and then left. I have gotten the most pathetic excuses about why no one approached them, and have been so angry about it. I used to always want to hide my family, so I was surprised by how devastated I was that no one met them. But after talking to Ellie tonight, it all came together. She said that where I needed to be that night was with my mother. But I wasn't. And that failure to be true to my deeper self, to really listen to what I needed, is extremely painful and hard to live with.

I talked w/my sister tonight, too, and she mentioned how lonely and sad I looked in the beginning, before anyone came inside. She has images of it, which she'll send to me after getting them off her camera. She said it's funny how I have to exist in only these extremes: totally alone, or inundated by people. It's definitely solid now: I'm not doing that "performance" anymore. I'm ripping down my sign about getting free comics, and just leaving the installation as is unless I come up with something in the next three weeks that is true. Otherwise, that is that. I've done more than enough.


aimee said...

p.s. - that's probably why i got hit in the back. to be reminded that what i was doing was totally off the mark.

-- said...

hey gal, am glad the thesis opening is at least underway and that's one less thing to deal with, huh? so yeah, super huge congrats! about the mini dramaz, am sad all that stuff's been going -- esp relating to family. but hellew, they're yr fam. they'll understand and move past it. the question is when you'll do the same. i hope soon, so you can enjoy being finished with the thesis! (you are, right?)

the pics of the whole thing look so great... i feel like *i've* accomplished something, haha. no no, am proud of you. try and enjoy the good feeling.

oh, and feel better. if you can find lemongrass oil, use that on yr back.

Anonymous said...

you got it. beautifully and well put. feel proud... you LEARNED something important. and true. totally makes sense. haunting sense.... oldest living structure. amazing how it all connects, collective unconsious, dna as it is passed, images in our bodies are passed slowly but surly down and down. you go girl. your blessed to be able to see it all and know that there are such things as deep connections! love love love!!!!