Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Bad news / attitude

I have a tickle in my throat again. This is completely ridiculous, and unacceptable in my world view. It makes me so angry. Take antibiotics, and constantly come down w/colds and yeast infections. I despise it. Besides the fact that I still feel sensation in that tooth. Can you tell I didn't get much sleep last night? My mistake: green tea at dinner. But I got caught in the vicious cycle of thinking about all the things that make me feel taken advantage of, but in situations where I had some agency and either didn't exercise it or didn't stand up properly for myself. 1. Ongoing saga w/Columbia about paying my medical bills for getting hurt on their clock & property; 2. Dissatisfaction w/video editor in NYC - still no DV tape; and 3. Root canal. I even knew what I was doing to myself, but the mind fuck is so hard to escape. I'm still petty enough to imagine scenarios of horrible destruction befalling those who have crossed me.

On the positive side, I had a crit today w/David Humphrey and b/c of a schedule glitch, I got an hour w/him rather than just 30 min. It was great. He was trying to understand my world, which was so nice, b/c I'd expect that artists who have "made it" in the art world don't need to try and get ones who haven't. I imagine he's a great teacher. He said lots of things, but what I liked best was "fearless" and "voracious." I did a pocket performance today at lunch by playing violin at the "silent table" where you can eat and not have to socialize. Also, before I spiraled into anxiety last night in bed, I came up w/a performance idea. This black string is part of the idea. I'll go tomorrow to see if I can get a bunch of string. Not sure what color yet, but I do know the thickness. David suggested going much bigger w/my IN & OUT piece, so I also hung up all of my paper that would work for that piece on my wall. I wish I had more paper.


Gili Warsett said...

fearless and voracious. those are huge compliments, but not just that. those are huge distinctions when living your life. i hope you can hold onto that feedback and come back to it when you need reminding...

feel better. it's all about vitamins and garlic tea.

polarchip said...

Can't your sis edit your video, and then you'll just be done with it?!

I'm so glad you're getting good feedback about your work and it sounds like you are growing a lot already!

I hope you feel better soon. Try not to let it upset you- I think we're just getting to a point in our lives where we realize how fragile our bodies are- it's a difficult concept to accept, especially when we've lived carefree for so long. I had a therapist say something about dealing with loss (loss of carefree health) and there's those stages: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness acceptance, something, something. So you just need to come to terms with it.

PS, OMG I totally imagine revenge scenarios/confrontations in my mind all the time (NEIGHBOR DOWNSTAIRS!). I have to actively stop myself.

aimee said...

no, it's not really that. it's just that i was a fool to pay him before he finished the job. not only did he not finish the job, but he did a crappy job w/what he did do. if my sis could have done it for me, i never would have hired out. but she's on an avid system and was too busy.

it IS hard to accept how easily a body can break down. i think i'm still in denial. oh, wait, maybe i've gotten to anger...teehee.

but john yau read his poetry tonight and said something at the end of the q&a that i really liked: "choosing to not know how to write is choosing to be ignorant, and why would you choose to be ignorant?" he finds it unacceptable in his students and says he's old fashioned. me, too! i'm so glad some people still value writing.

polarchip said...

That sucks. Maybe you should ask the editor for your $$ back and hire someone else.

aimee said...

nah. i think it's just ANOTHER hard lesson from which i'm supposed to learn but keep not learning...the revenge part of me wants him to really know that he messed up and that in a normal transaction, he would not have gotten paid. but i'm too nice and give people the benefit of the doubt and pay them too early (partly b/c i thought the job was going to be done shortly after i paid him, and mostly b/c i'm a fool).

my chicago editor is going to fix it all. i'm never going to be afraid to ask him anymore to help me out when i'm in these kinds of situations. kind of like my chicago dentist, but not quite since i couldn't have afforded the dental work on my own.

-- said...

Root canal? JHC. I think I may be in a similar boat but hellew am in India and the dentist scene is potentially mad sketch. I feel for you though, sugar. Hang in there.

Paulettasaurus said...

Congrats on the surprisingly good crit--don't you love having low expectations sometimes?

I also go through phases of getting sick over and over again. I hate it, not just because of the physical discomfort, but also because it feels so out of control. Like, here I am, supposedly an adult and all, and I can barely keep my health in check.

I recommend echinacea (drops, not tea), steam baths, and lots of rest.

Thinking of you,

MichaelLovely said...

You have just been working non stop on projects. Thats so fun. I still remember when you realized you were an "artist" and not a "student" and i think you are really proving your self.

ps, i love the new web sight