It's my party

Digging in

2012-01-26T18:26:00.002-05:00

I am not as brave or experienced as Jami, but I am surprisingly happy about being back in the muck of my manuscript, making hard edits. For my entire life, I have resisted and despised revision. Really and truly. But now, I am able to to face the mess and attempt to organize it. It is not as painful as I feared. At least, it's a very different kind of pain. Sometimes, when I get to a place where I have to make huge structural changes that will definitely cause big pieces to topple off the shelves and some shelves themselves to slide to the floor, I stand up and walk away. But then I come back. It's amazing. I come back!

Again and again, starting over

2012-01-24T09:49:00.002-05:00

None of the days in this month have been going according to plan. All broken up, gone awry, plans made and broken, unexpected surprises that pop up, being pulled this way and that. This morning, I rearranged all the drying, coated hanji, in keeping with regulations of this building, since hanging things on a line looks too much like laundry drying, and that is an eyesore to the neighbors, and so on for a million more characters in the contracts. Boring. But I am a big rule abider so I only let the sheets flap in the wind for a couple of days.

I realized that I ONLY feel okay not working if I am working. HA! So, if I want to watch TV or a movie, I feel anxious the entire time unless I have something in my hands to keep them busy. This is what I did on Sunday night. Last night, I got to have a long speed reading session and finished Vivian Gornick's Fierce Attachments. I liked what she said about work, while mentioning her ex-husband:

Stefan knew more about work than I did but not, I think, much more. He was tormented by the discrepancy between his painterly ideas and his ability to execute those ideas on the canvas, and he dramatized his torment endlessly. He would crash about in the studio, smoking, cursing, throwing paint on the canvas, but not, I suspect, thinking hard about the problem before him. The knowledge that work is patient, sustained labor--no more, no less--was not wisdom he had as yet taken in very much better than I had.

I get tangled up, too, with the "patient" and "sustained" parts, but every day is a chance to learn those things all over again.

Celebrate 2012 with comics!

2012-01-23T13:11:00.002-05:00

[I bet that people who don't make books also feel this way sometimes.] If you'd like to get comics like this (they won't be on the back of a hotel notepad, I promise), reproduced on paper and sent in the mail to you, sign up for a new subscription series! To honor a new year that I insist will be better than last year, I will mail one new comic every month. You can choose to participate for a year, or just half a year. As for the content of these comics, I can't say until 2012 happens to me, but here's a look at some prior work.

Stinky Sunday

2012-01-22T14:25:00.002-05:00

I was determined to use up the rest of my kakishibu. It's best to do when alone since people generally hate this stink. I like it in the way that I love any kind of alchemy, the magic of one thing turning into another. The messy and smell are inevitable.

I thought of Tatiana Ginsberg's paper bowls as I used up the last bit.

I like this method better than brushing, since I am impatient and don't mind getting my hands dirty.

Though they get so messy after that last step that I never manage to get the camera into them until I am all done. Hanging outside, waving at the snow. My body is crumpled and temporarily incapacitated by the floor work but I cooked to try and cover the smell. Now that I've eaten, I can get to the next scheme, a new subscription series of comix! More to come.

(Not excited about today's) snow day!

2012-01-21T12:49:00.001-05:00

The good news: I booked tickets last night for a little vacation next month to Berlin and Amsterdam!

Calls and PR

2012-01-19T08:59:00.004-05:00

1. To submit art in the effort to raise awareness of sex trafficking, go here.

2. Who likes mail art? I love mail art. Send some to Spain if you like:

The Library of the Educational Sciences Faculty (University of A Coruña), in collaboration with the Central Library of the Pontevedra Campus (University of Vigo), invites all artists, home or abroad, to take part in this Mail Art Call.

Topic: "The wounded memory: memory and oblivion"

Technical requirements:

Size: postal size 20x10 cm
Paper or any other bidimensional support
Free technique
Send by ordinary mail (no envelope required)
Maximum two proposals per artist

Deadline: April 30th 2012

Two exhibitions in 2012 at Library of the Educational Sciences Faculty (University of A Coruña) and Central Library, Campus of Pontevedra (Universidade de Vigo). Virtual exhibition included.

All participants will receive confirmation. Senders must include their e-mail.

Artistic proposals will not be returned. After exhibition, all works will be permanently exhibited in large-mural format in the Library of the Educational Sciences Faculty (Universidade de A Coruña).

Send your proposals to:

Biblioteca
Facultade de Ciencias da Educación
Universidade de A Coruña
Campus Elviña s/n
15071 ACoruña. Galicia. Spain.

Information and contact: memoriaeesquecemento@gmail.com

3. I got this far and then decided I don't feel like doing the PR. It's all the same stuff: I'm in a show, I'm teaching a workshop, blahblah. You can check updates here.

Hesitant

2012-01-18T10:58:00.002-05:00

As someone who grew up only knowing about tigers in zoos, it's strange, still, to imagine that they lived in the mountains in Korea but are gone now. The photography in this book is lovely but either the translation or the original text or both are difficult to stomach. There is a tendency towards flowery and poetic Korean that sounds awful when rendered into English. And this one is so pro-Korea that it's embarrassing. But there is still plenty to be gleaned.

Yesterday I had my first eye exam in years and was relieved to learn that everything is fine and I don't even need a new prescription. It was awful not to be able to read or use the computer or do any hand work b/c of the drops, which made me realize where most of my life occurs, between six inches and two feet in front of my face. I'm re-reading (skimming, actually) Annie Dillard's The Writing Life to soothe some of my recent panic mixed with depression about the progress of my book. I'm waiting for two edits and don't want to make changes until I see those notes, but I know there is So Much Work To Be Done. But ever since the fall, if I'm not working on that book, I feel like I am doing nothing whatsoever. I don't like that feeling.

One of my readers yesterday noted something funny. She said, "You write exactly the same way that you think!!" She said the detail was overwhelming, and a sign of mental illness if you didn't know me, yet the same trait helps me do important research. I'm relieved that my words match my brain, since I'm not sure that that is true of everyone (I assume this mismatch comes from poor writing education, which I assume comes partly from the fact that it is a very hard thing to teach). I thought about how much I have been trying to censor and edit on this blog, and how hard it is, and how it depresses me, since what comes out feels like a drugged version of what is in my head. I am the same way in my personal correspondence, and haven't figured out how to temper it. It goes like this:

Friend: "Greeting! Update. Appropriate answers to questions. Closing."
Me: "Incredibly excited greeting!!! Avalanche of personal information and updates. Followed by more TMI. And a blow-by-blow description of some random recent event that any other person would not even have noticed. Effusive closing, ten pages later."

Okay, that is slightly exaggerated. But I always feel guilty whenever I press send, and worry afterwards about how this friend will likely not want to be my friend anymore. But when I try to edit out most of it, it sounds like me, drugged. I still haven't figured it out with my closest confidantes, but I will have to figure it out soon with this manuscript.

Loyalty

2012-01-15T11:55:00.001-05:00

I love my friends. Here is how things you put out in the world come back to you.

Nice to assuage not nice

2012-01-13T09:49:00.002-05:00

Proofs of the new print.

I woke up with inexplicable vertigo. Maybe still angry from a car behind us last night, honking incessantly even though we were at a red light and there were cars whizzing by so we couldn't turn right. After the light turned, that car raced to pass us, cut us off, and then braked HARD. Black Porsche SUV, tinted windows. When we moved into the right lane, it immediately moved to threaten it would do the same, when in fact, it was moving to the left lane and turning left. This kind of human behavior, I cannot understand.

But who cares, b/c I get to visit Sri today!! I anticipate a whole new world that will remind me which one I prefer to inhabit.

Invisible hands

2012-01-12T14:43:00.000-05:00

I haven't been making lately, which is part of the crazy-head-ness, so I started to carve a portion of block yesterday, but stopped after I lost too many pieces of letters (like that red bit of an R that I tried to glue back in). I'll clean it up today.

I got a faboo package today from Eric (a painting is in that delightful pink tape and bubble wrap). I also got a book that Stefan had recommended, Things Korean. Something new and engaging to read! And attractive.

Here is the pic of the old shoe, made of straw. Also sometimes made of paper. Made, of course, by hand. I listened to the most recent installment of This American Life, about how our beloved Apple products are made in China. It's very good. A guy who was obsessed with Apple products went to visit the area in China where most of them are made, and what he learned was pretty icky. The part that struck me most was about how quiet the factories were, not even the sound of machines, b/c labor costs are so low that they try to make people make everything by hand that is possible. It's the kind of thing that will inevitably depress you, just as I have been depressed by the glorious album undun, by The Roots. Making art out of horror is a miracle of sorts, though I still wonder if there is a next step.

Two more that I like

2012-01-11T19:33:00.000-05:00

Definitions of Lakota words:

-When a man rides through water and gets wet in spite of lifting his legs.

-To rest one's mind by walking around after hard work.

These times that were those times

2012-01-11T09:23:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, in the middle of a long haul (now that we are back into a new year, the application cycles have all started up again, and took me by surprise), I got a lecture. I get these often, because for as long as I have known, I have asked for them and thought that they were good for me. But this time, I thought to myself, "I already KNOW all of these things." Of course I am frustrated with where I am in right now and will be for a while to come. But there's an end in sight, and I am doing my best to build the right kind of life for myself. It doesn't look pretty from day to day, but there's a trajectory.

Last weekend, I watched "Who Does She Think She Is?", a film about women who struggle with the balance between being artists and having a family (plus all of the other crap that women are expected to do). The documentary itself is not a great piece of filmmaking, but the message is clear. It reminded me of being in contemporary art history class years ago. Even then, the Guerrilla Girls seemed dated. But now I realize that nothing has changed. Or at least, very little. Maybe a percentage point here or there. Which then reminded me of a friend who admired my NOT being part of the Art World. And then I read Ronnie's recent post, which made me even more sad. It's hard for me to articulate, but I will try.

I can count on one hand the options given to art students for a viable career in their field. And most of them are completely out of reach for most students. So how do you opt out of a system that you already bought into? When I was a grad student, I read an article in the journal of the College Art Association where an established (male) artist talked about how ridiculous it was that art students are not taught that there is so much more out in the world besides the Professorship or Blockbuster Fame. Art is not the only field guilty of this disservice to their students (since a Ph.D is no guarantee of an academic job), but it's the one I know. I recently helped a friend with a cover letter and was shocked. This friend received an MFA from one of the most prestigious programs in the country, covered in ivy, but was unable to compose an acceptable cover letter. Later, I tried to recall when and where I learned how to write cover letters. I remember toiling over them for countless job applications, but don't remember who taught me. Do students even learn how to write a business letter anymore? [I definitely remember learning that in secondary school.]

After I finished grad school, a former classmate asked to see my artist CV, since she had no idea how to put one together, having only written job resumes. I was horrified, thinking, "Didn't we just get master's degrees in art?" but then realized there was no coursework that covered this basic skill. I only learned how to write a CV after working in an arts organization where I saw hundreds of them on a regular basis. So there's the gamut: my alma mater, ranked something like 600-something, and then my friend's, ranked number one or thereabouts. Are doctors and lawyers and businesspeople sent out into the world after completing a very expensive education without any basic survival skills or knowledge of how to build their careers? Doubtful.

I'm now actually way off point. What I meant to say is that what Ronnie discusses, in terms of her life, seems actually to be meaningful goals that people used to value. But now the sane, grounded people have been sent away to the periphery, told they are not useful, valuable, or good enough at maintaining the status quo. That kind of constant criticism of your worth really gets to you, and then if you are a woman on top of it, good luck coming out the other side. Women apparently only start to feel good about themselves by the time they reach their early fifties.

All of this to say, that's why I live this strange, easy-to-criticize life. I opt out when I can, manipulate the system as best I can to suit my needs since I'd otherwise be mowed down, and try to stay sane and ethical by connections to those who live out in the boonies, respect their place in nature (as well as the place of water, soil, critters, and the like), and take good care of their dogs. Well, there are other people who also keep me afloat, wonderful and compassionate people who live in the city or don't have pets. Thanks to you all.

A definition

2012-01-09T09:44:00.001-05:00

for a Lakota word, one of my favorites from Eugene Buechel's dictionary as mentioned in On the Rez:

To consider something hard work but it is not.

One mountain after another

2012-01-06T20:54:00.002-05:00

That was a Korean saying my tutor taught me, about how once you scale one challenge, there are always more to greet you. So true.

I finished up another edit of my book, which I will print tomorrow to deliver to my most say-it-like-it-is readers: my sister. She's a fantastic film editor, and I think that experience has helped her get good at editing in general. Yesterday, I had my first physical in a long, long time. I left with my sore arm from a booster, feeling relieved and excited to be back in the fold of privilege. I still haven't gotten used to having health insurance, and feel often as if it will be taken away from me at any minute. But for now, wohoo!

Questions arise today

2012-01-04T17:16:00.003-05:00

Did I learn any research techniques and methodology after high school? Is that because I was an art major?

Why am I so scared of machines? [Portable tools are great, but things with lots of moving parts and an outside energy source...]

Is weight gain mandatory over the holidays?

Why do men speak so witheringly about step machines? Especially after wiping out the electricity on one side of a room?

How did Buddhist sutras come to have such pretty names (like Flower Garland, Pure Light, and Diamond)?

Do people know that they will die after surgery before they go in? Today someone gave a nurse a terrified look before he went under. I hope he's found some peace.

Bright, wind, cold

2012-01-03T12:32:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I wanted to take a walk but opted to spend the entire day learning to crochet. Then I thought I'd walk today, but it's cold and windy enough to keep me inside. All I managed was a visit to the post office and then a trip to a Big Bank. After learning about mandatory arbitration in "Hot Coffee," I actually read the new contract I was sent for one of my accounts. Sure enough, there was an arbitration clause. I was surprised to see that I could opt out of binding arbitration by calling or "seeing a banker." I figured a walk to the bank and human interaction would be better for my health than punching in a million numbers on the phone.

[It really has been an uphill battle for YEARS. I always thought that if I could knit, I couldn't crochet. I'm so glad I'm over that hump.] The banker had no idea what I was talking about. I explained arbitration to him, and then he went to the assistant manager. I heard her say, "She went to college," [true] and "Isn't arbitration court?" [false] and then they both came over to question me and then admit that they were clueless. He called someone who said that the banker should have gotten an article about how to deal with this kind of thing, which he hadn't, and he had no way of accessing that article. Instead, he was given an email address to send with my opt-out request. He sent it, and intended to print me a copy, since the Big Bank would not send me any kind of confirmation, but then his email was rejected. Apparently, he wasn't allowed to do this, and told me that "see a banker" actually meant "telephone banker."

Hm. I read the contract in the beginning where they explain which terms will mean what for the rest of the 70-something pages, but there wasn't anything equating a live banker to one on the phone. Also, how does anyone "see" someone on the telephone? Anyhow, I did my bit to educate him about how biased arbitration is (in favor of the Big Bank), and then came home to leap through the phone hoops. It's not as much action as I wish I could make, but it was something. Now that I've gathered the momentum to take action, and am tired of compiling my book's bibliography, I'll attempt that walk again.

Candy says goodbye to 2011

2011-12-31T09:19:00.002-05:00

I had a wonderful shoot yesterday with Stefan, the best photographer ever. After ending this year with grueling months dealing with horrific service from the service sector, I was grateful to spend a morning with someone who knows his stuff, is highly skilled, and is a good human being who knows how to communicate professionally. It was so satisfying to watch him sit at the table, twisting each of the lids on these funny baskets (that he called candy), making sure everything was just so.

Though I haven't been able to stop complaining about this year, the graceful gesture would be to pause and recall the good in all the muck. I lived on two coasts, tried on academic teaching, taught nine workshops (one across the border in Canada!), presented live in two museums, visited Cleveland twice (oh, how I love those trips), placed artists' books in new collections, was honored by my alma mater, drafted my book, studied a new technique, and made art without a studio. I survived living with a naughty rescue dog in one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S., surgery, car rentals, and the arc of a relationship that went from a war deployment to long distance to cohabitation to dissolution. I made delicious pizza, cupcakes, arugula salads, and chocolate pancakes. I managed to book myself well into late 2012 with more adventures. Most importantly, I made and strengthened friendships with people I love dearly, who have been the key to keeping me afloat this year. And probably all years.

I suppose if this is the worst year I've had a long time, in some ways I am blessed. Thanks for journeying along!

Hanging in there

2011-12-29T10:07:00.002-05:00

I've been having an awful time lately battling demons but am going through work to choose pieces to bring to my photographer tomorrow to shoot. None of these prints will go, since at this point, I consider them all proofs. I never editioned this piece. I only figured out on the last day of class that I could eliminate the background entirely and make my life easier. I printed these on dry paper, hanji I made from Thai kozo in Cleveland.

This is on low-grade washi, easy to print on. I had tried to shade on top in the background w/a brush that was for green paint, only to find that someone had used red paint and not rinsed it off.

Here, I shaded the bottom of the background but the darker green paint was clumping so it's mottled.

This is on hanji by a Korean master. Nice results but very hard to print onto b/c it flops over when damp and registration goes crazy. By this week in the process, I was very sad when a piece of the background block chipped off and left a blank spot right between the legs at the crotch.

The same passes, only on washi. If you want a proof (they're all different and quite imperfect), let me know and I will give you an address to mail an SASE.

Still blank

2011-12-28T17:44:00.002-05:00

I want to carve and carve but haven't figured out what this one will be yet. But I have made a few more pieces this week and even got messy and stinky with kaki today. Anytime I get to wear a work apron is a good day.

For later

2011-12-27T08:32:00.002-05:00

I hope that someday, I learn to appreciate the 'holiday season' at the ends of years. I still find it to be full of unwanted distractions and work/flow delays. This season was better in some regards and dreadful in others, but I did learn something while exercising to a talk radio show on Christmas (unwittingly--someone else had turned on the radio. I don't turn on radios this time of year): people go through all the trouble of cooking and decorating and traveling to people's homes to try and stave off the cold and depression of the dark days. THAT made sense to me. The rest of it is where less savory forces got us off track.

I also realized that though writing made me crazy, it provided some serious stability and good practice in wrestling with my mind. Now that I'm in between edits, I feel even crazier than before. Funny how I miss the medicine.

Shopping

2011-12-22T15:08:00.002-05:00

I've been very moody lately, and bored in that "I have tons of work to do but don't want to do it and have a good excuse not to since it's that time of year" way. So I ran out today to nail down some elusive gifts for family. I ended up splurging at Habu, which can't be helped. Especially the big hank of paper yarn I had used years ago, but this time dyed a deep indigo. I figured that I would be nowhere near an indigo vat for a while, so that justified the purchase. Thanks to Velma for reminding me about their annual sale!

Party in my brain

2011-12-19T16:06:00.002-05:00

My first draft is out of my hands now, off to two trusted readers. I am SO happy to have that ball out of my court for the time being. Now I feel like there is so much other stuff to do OR a lot of free time for my brain. This, being the essential struggle between discipline and laziness. To avoid one large administrative hurdle today, I baked corn muffins. But I'll still get everything else done I need today. I'll just be full of several muffins more than if I had not procrastinated.

Wrapping up

2011-12-17T10:52:00.003-05:00

I've been sick for a while, but in a weird kind of way where I wasn't quite sure what I was. Not sick, but not well. Hopefully, once the latest infection dies down (on my eye! My eye!), I will get back to a regular routine on Monday. I managed to drag myself to my final printmaking class on Thursday, which was sad, b/c I really enjoyed taking the class. I highly recommend Takuji as a teacher, and it's not just because he didn't yell at us (one of my classmates mentioned this, and I thought it was funny, since I rarely take classes with teachers who yell). He knows his craft in and out, has been an active artist for years (he got a NYFA fellowship this year, which is a big deal!), and is great at explaining and demonstrating things to both groups and individuals. He's quite perceptive and skilled at making the rounds when we work and catching us before we make enormous mistakes. Or, watching us make a big mistake and then asking us why we did what we did (usually, because we weren't listening to him).

I'll pick up the last of my prints next week and then curate them. Hopefully there will be one or two decent ones. And hopefully I will now have the energy to push through and finish my last batch of edits before holiday mania swallows my desire to work.

Pops by Shawn Sheehy

2011-12-14T09:18:00.003-05:00

My friend Shawn has updated his site with lots of new goodies, like the commercial work section shown in the screenshot above. But the part I like best is his statement about his new book of wildflowers, all pop-ups (check his workshop schedule to learn how!).

It's not getting any faster

2011-12-12T21:34:00.002-05:00

Edits are one thing that I cannot speed up, no matter how hard I try. After lots of out-and-about distractions necessitated by holiday season, I'm on page 164. 60 pages to go!

Tiny break

2011-12-08T11:39:00.003-05:00

Tam sent me these super Bryspun needles, along with a sweet shawl. THE BEST GIFTS EVER.

I have been struggling with falling asleep at a normal hour for a week or two now, so I have had difficult mornings, which is unusual for me since I am a morning person (not an early morning person, but regular morning. Supposedly, snakes like me do best between 9 and 11am. I fit that description perfectly). So instead of forcing myself back into edits, I let myself carve another tiny block.

It's so satisfying! But now I need to pack everything up for class so that I don't get completely carried away by fun. It's time to work again. [I just realized that Velma told me only to do this on weekends, but I figure as long as I put in the same number of hours on edits, I'll be fine.]

Around town these days

2011-12-07T17:43:00.002-05:00

This time of year gets really hairy when you actually live someplace near civilization and know a bunch of people in that civilization. NYC is particularly dense. This is the flyer for a Fri/Sat holiday party and sale at Dobbin Mews, which is where Robbin and Andras live and work. There are all sorts of wonderful makers who rent their spaces and they will be showing off their wares this weekend.

Also, LAVA has just a few more days of performing their new show, Atlas, at Dixon Place. This, I want to see very badly even though my calendar is fighting with me. If I get enough edits done in the next few days, I will fight back.

Kickstart Julie's performance in Jakarta

2011-12-06T10:52:00.002-05:00

I forgot to mention a project that needs funding: my friend Julie Laffin was invited to perform at the Jakarta Biennale in Indonesia but cannot physically go due to an ongoing disability. She would like to send her collaborator in her stead, but the biennale, nor other funding sources, have been able to help cover the costs of sending an actual person (weird, I think, for a performance biennale to not have a budget for bringing people to perform). So they're fundraising through Kickstarter. Here's the appeal.

A myriad of full

2011-12-05T23:44:00.002-05:00

[Another piece made last year sacrificed to yarn to knit. Feels good to recycle.] Today was big, the kind of day I used to have more often, maybe, but now more rare. I forget how much I have pulled away from the world over the years. I decided a few weeks ago to take my friend Caron (we met last year at a residency) to a Hand Papermaking party at Dieu Donne. We spent a few hours at her beautiful new home in Brooklyn first, catching up and looking at exciting things like proofs for her new book. Then we went to the party, and I was so happy to bring her to a real paper mill. They even had a vat and pulp paint ready to play with, so she did that while I caught up with old friends and acquaintances and met people I've only known by name, including famous paper people, and ate red velvet cupcakes. There were even cans of Moxie for people to take home! I don't drink soda and my bag was too heavy already so I did not partake but the idea was brilliant.

It was wonderful. All communities have their quirks, but I like paper people. They're good with hugs. After the party, I brought Caron to the printshop so I could pick up my prints and woodblocks, and showed her my print in the show that is up there for the month of December. I thought I'd go home after that, but ended up meeting my sister and her husband and his Swedish friends for a late Korean dinner. I haven't done a lick of edits today but am plenty energized to tackle them tomorrow.

Already

2011-12-04T10:21:00.001-05:00

I thought I could edit all these pages by tomorrow, which I told Velma yesterday. If I stuck to it for hours and hours, maybe, but instead, I started carving late at night.

I get sidetracked so easily. It's just too fun, making things.

Not attracted to the treadmill

2011-12-02T16:16:00.002-05:00

Or my manuscript. Both editing and exercising were left out of today's equation. Not intentionally from the start, but as I started doing other things, that's what happened.

The banana was for scale; the closest thing around was a fruit bowl. I'm putting it away before I'm tempted to knit away a day like I did yesterday.

Terttu said she wanted one of my paper necklaces but I only had half of one and half of another. Then I figured out I could combine.

I was half-heartedly practicing shading and forgot I was supposed to be testing my new homemade baren until I cleaned up. I fooled around on textured hanji and on scrap calligraphy paper. Last night after class, I forgot to bring my blocks home because I wanted to carve more this weekend. This was because I was brain dead and tired from all the printing.

And then I made a full panel comic on the rest of the textured hanji using the prints. That was fun, and well worth everything I didn't do today. Maybe my body is sensing that I want to have more artwork with the "2011" label and that's why it's all pumping out now. I'm not complaining; it just means I have to schedule a photo shoot soon.

Pattern changes

2011-12-01T09:41:00.002-05:00

I feel the slowing down coming in my body, the move towards warmth and no sudden movements. I'm eating ripe persimmons with a spoon, using the fruit itself as a bowl (with very thin walls). Because I refuse to even attempt to edit 230 pages on the computer and haven't been able to make it to a copy shop, I'm doing other things. Like hanging four pieces, having white hot chocolate with Terttu, and feeling very proud of my little sister, who is editing a documentary (about corporations that don't pay taxes) that made it into competition at Sundance! This January will be her third trip there, second consecutive. While dreaming of snow powder, I'm also thinking about performance installation options for a California collaboration for next year. Which, I think, is going to be a very full year.

Blank for now

2011-11-30T13:41:00.002-05:00

A big, much bigger knitted book. Nothing in it yet (not even enough pages), but it feels like a nice pillow.

Joomchi-ed hanji sewn and joomchi-ed again. Today I deal with the "do it later" aspect of these pieces: hanging. I've done two and have two more left, as I try to figure out better dowel and sleeve mechanisms.

Ucky

2011-11-29T14:39:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was full of drama, the worst kind (involving companies that don't care about customers, screw them over, destroy their property, and waste their time). So I didn't get to find a place to print my manuscript. Instead, I kept my hands busy. I hauled out the sewing machine, took apart an old joomchi piece, sewed it together again, and then joomchied it again. The jury is still out on how it holds together in its new version. I also watched a sweet video on tying scarves. SO FUN. Today, more errands, lots of knitting, and hoping the storm passes quickly (while testing new scarf knots and twists).

Paper Jewellery, the book

2011-11-28T08:46:00.002-05:00

I had submitted to this book last year but was never quite sure I had made the cut, even though I got the email that I did. It has finally been published, but took a while to get from the UK. I like that my work is on the same page as a Japanese artist doing something very similar to what I started to do a few months ago. Meanwhile, I'm starting the cusp week (Nov/Dec!) with a strong cup of green tea, sad from the news of another death. Since this summer, I had been supporting one friend through her mother's terminal cancer battle, and reading about another. A few weeks ago, the mother passed. Yesterday, a father. This has been a long, hard year.

This weekend, I spent time with my sister/bro-in-law and an old friend from grad school in Chicago. I haven't seen her in years, and it was so good to see her. I feel grateful that my friends stay true to what they believe, despite health issues, life changes, and whatever personal drama we all experience.

It can't all go in at once

2011-11-25T21:49:00.002-05:00

This is the combination of poor sheet formation plus poor parting plus WAY too much external sizing, leading to paper that can't take ink. I went overboard with the rice paste, and it went beyond permeating and coating the hanji. But it makes me think of this process I'm in now, writing this book. I thought I was near the end of the rough draft, and I am, but as I cull my past words more carefully, I realize that I can't put it all in one book, or in this one. There's so much I could add, but I'm not sure this is the time to talk about my Korean language teacher, crazy cabbies, or all the things you can do with raw egg yolks. I'm astounded by the things I survived, and feel even more deeply what everyone else said about it taking years to process.

For now, maybe another hour of work, trying not to cram it all in. I want a nicely sized book, not one that slumps over because it's overloaded.

Shaping the future

2011-11-23T18:06:00.003-05:00

I am not a fan of the holiday season; I don't like all the slowing down, constant eating, dark days, gathering, and strange behavior. I don't like to feel like a pile of wet clothes, because it's hard to continue working at the clip that I label "fast enough." But even if this year is a bust, maybe next year will be better. Maybe I will spend less days contemplating my death and more days living my life. And I'll teach again, as soon as February in NYC at the Center for Book Arts. It will be nice to have a class not so far from home. No driving or flying necessary!

Pushing through molasses

2011-11-22T18:58:00.002-05:00

[Barens are so expensive. Here I am, trying to rig something on my own. Likely failure, but I can't not try.] It's hard to keep the energy up now that the furor of "holiday" season is bearing down. I'm in what I hope is the last 'hardest' part of the writing, but it's slo o o o o ow. I did get to go over some simple bindings today with Terttu that made me wonder what it would be like to teach private lessons in books. Would it be less stressful than teaching private lessons in violin? Probably.

Tagging along

2011-11-20T15:23:00.002-05:00

After reading Melissa's blog last night and Velma's today, I got very itchy in a baby sister kind of way and went out to get the last bits of the "golden hour" of sun and work on rubbings for a book for a friend. I'm grateful for the good influences that got me out a tiny bit.

Guess and check

2011-11-18T09:53:00.002-05:00

I had a funny conversation with my sister about if I had mis-shot in my career aspirations, and that if I had only been better at math, I wouldn't have veered off into music. I failed to get into a summer math camp (I know, that sounds ridiculous) b/c all I did was use trial-and-error to solve the problems on the application. I had a great calculus teacher, but I was awful at it. I had a fantastic orchestra teacher, and it made me want to make music with other people (even though I had a very grumpy violin teacher that made me reluctant to go to lessons and relieved when they were over). Reading this brain book made me realize I lucked out with a great violin teacher in college, who already knew everything in the book, and taught me to about mental practice (SO hard and more exhausting than physically practicing). He also promised that as long as I could move my fingers in SOME manner at the fastest vibration possible in my body, it would transfer to my loose and slow vibrato. So we practiced trills. I still have a motion-sickness-inducing vibrato, but I think if I had more time with that last teacher, I might have been able to disable the years of less targeted learning (AND the erosion of self-esteem + belief I could never get a tight, "acceptable" technique).

All to say that someday, SOMEDAY, I swear I will get back to my instrument. Or another one. And a few languages. In the meantime, I am grappling with woodblock printing, and last night I performed another comedy of errors in class. I tried to test five different papers, one guaranteed by my teacher, and the rest ones that I had made or bought in Korea or Cleveland. Well. Predictably, his paper was just fine while mine were a whole array of okay to omgwtf?? So I have a stack of potato-chip paper that is NOT going to work for printmaking, which is fine, since I learned a lot about external sizing. And stacks of other papers that are a variety of too thin, too fuzzy, too stretchy. They will all go into the "later" bin while I get back to writing.

How quickly they fire and wire

2011-11-16T09:02:00.003-05:00

I am SO loving this book that I am reading about the brain. It's kind of hilarious (and sad and typical all at the same time) that for so long, scientists considered the brain more of a machine, while now the view is shifting to seeing it more like a living creature. HELLO! We are animals! Of course our organs are like animals, too. Anyhow, Julie had recommended it to me since it offers possibilities for a recovery that has eluded her for years. Yesterday I had to keep my hands working, so I sized paper (first failing miserably and then doing a little better) and at night carved this tiny block! In line with the way that the brain shifts and learns and changes, I was amazed by how just a month ago I was quite averse to carving wood, but already I miss doing it and am itching to do more.

Silly me, in my excitement about woodblocks, I forgot to say that the PR is up now for my April class next year in Asheville, NC!

Edits to the routine

2011-11-15T09:58:00.002-05:00

While having family and then sister time this weekend, we browsed Korean shops and I HAD to buy this because it was just too perfect. I may never use the notebook to write in but will certainly use the cover to show concise design.

This morning, I finally sent off work for this month's big deadlines, for which I had purposely changed my writing schedule (I was writing, but something else). And then, with the excuse that I had to pull hanji to test with more external sizing, I suddenly was surrounded by a sea of hanji and next thing you know, I'm on the floor on plastic sheeting, banging on a new piece that I had wanted to make since early October. It will reveal itself when dry but for now I am very happy I did that. I know that I can't sustain regular making of things with my hands while I am typing with my fingers, but I can only go so long without making anything at all.

Less is more

2011-11-14T15:24:00.003-05:00

I got to see Jami this weekend, which was a big treat, because

1. She is brilliant and funny and an excellent cheerleader. And picks places with yummy food.

2. She always greets me with books, which I forget until I see her and she pulls books out for me. And this was great timing, because I had finished my "homework reading" (AKA things I assign myself so I can learn things I imagine that I should know, rather than things I stumble upon or are recommended to me). AND they are all stories, which is exactly what I can handle right now, in between my "fun reading" about neuroplasticity and animal training.

3. I haven't seen her in forever.

While killing time before our date, I saw these worry dolls and could not NOT buy them. A schooldays acquaintance had given me a hairpin back when I was maybe an early teenager, with these glued on, and I loved it. I doubt I will lay in bed and tell them my worries, since there are too many cracks near my bed into which they could fall, but I am fascinated by seeing them now and realizing that I am more interested in figuring out how to make them. And I can figure it out now, which might not have been the case decades ago. Meanwhile, I am back to work after a few days off and away from home, and decided to forgo another residency application. It's strange to not apply to everything under the sun, to be more thoughtful about my selections, but it's good practice for a shift away from frantic behavior.

Nothing according to plan

2011-11-11T10:00:00.003-05:00

This week has been supremely funky, and I haven't been able to get a toehold into any of my various projects, including the most important and pressing task of writing. But I'm trying to not get too upset about it. Yesterday I had a lovely lunch and walk through Central Park w/an old friend and then stayed in the studio for hours until class. I found out that I had OVERcarved and also that I'm fine at carving. Not the disaster I feared. This is one of four proofs from last night, three blocks. You can see the registration issues, but the final edition will be different. It was nice to start pulling proofs, though, after weeks of carving. I also got the chance to extol the virtues of teflon folders and paper cutting knives to my classmates, so I was happy to spread the word of cutting down by hand (the paper cutter in the studio is VERY suspect).

I was going to write now before meeting another friend for lunch today but I think I will draw instead (for a deadline). Sunlight like this is precious these days. Besides, today is a date full of ones, so it might as well begin new practices.

Crackles and pops

2011-11-09T18:00:00.002-05:00

It's noisy tonight with all of this hanji coated in rice paste snapping off of the plexi that is not really restraining it. I'll experiment with it when I actually get to printing, but that may be far off. I've carved wood for two weeks and am not as far along as I'd like, but decided to stop before losing all fine detail so I can consult with my teacher first and improve my technique.

I did just have a lovely phone call with an artist who has been knitting paper long before I started, and grew up knitting scarves for British soldiers in WWII. Hopefully we get to meet before the year is out. It was a nice change of pace--I've been in a weird stuck place but maybe it's only the growing moon and after tomorrow, I'll get back to work.

Long break

2011-11-06T21:09:00.003-05:00

At least, that's how the weekend felt, though work was still sitting in the front of my brain, the throne of stress. The respite I had was with Terttu at the Noguchi Museum. What a beautiful, wordless space.

Steady

2011-11-03T16:05:00.002-04:00

Working, somewhat like a turtle. Writing, carving, writing, post office trips, and a tiny commission in between. The job much easier with my bday gift from Melissa: double blades. This one is persimmon dye on mitsumata paper made in Boston.

The last days of light

2011-11-01T11:41:00.002-04:00

The corner registration for my paper on this block.

I'm only very, very slowly carving. The top ply on this board is super thin, and I'm starting with that so I can see where I need to cut away wood. The ply underneath that will be harder to carve, and with a different grain, so that goes into the "later" pile of work. Yesterday's cookies were perfect: carrot / blueberry / oatmeal / walnut. I'm still writing, realizing this is my last week before we lose light and enter real dark days, inspired by the example of my friend Jami, who celebrates a big birthday today!

Scarier than ghouls

2011-10-31T15:20:00.002-04:00

Today is the deadline to comment publicly to the Dept of Health and Human Services before they decide if women can purchase private health insurance that covers abortion services. You can do that here or via PP: "Take a moment right now to contact HHS and tell them to protect women's access to the private health insurance that covers all their needs before the October 31 deadline: http://ppaction.org/hhsfb"

Working through sadness

2011-10-31T10:18:00.002-04:00

This is some more e. e. cummings on my "weekend work": thick paper yarn knitted into what will eventually (hopefully) be a big(ger) knit book. Librarians and other people who see my knitted books always ask me about my choice of scale (small) and mostly I don't think about it the way they do. In that I don't like to design my work way out, only a teensy bit. I let my hands do the work.

But these days I have been trying to train new habits, or at least try them out to see how they fit. I have regular pockets of sad time, getting used to not having Ben in my life anymore, and re-read a quote yesterday about the best cure for all sadness: to learn something new. I always sign up for classes after a breakup, and it has been fascinating to witness my resistance to listening to my new teacher, because I am so used to NOT designing and NOT spending a lot of time planning something out before I dive in with the intense hand work. I finally relented a little and was given permission to start carving my blocks. It's funny, since I am compulsive about planning certain things (like my life and days) but can't stand planning other things (like cookie recipes, trips, and image/color separation of images).

Today, I am already an hour behind the regular schedule. But I'm still hopeful that I'll get most of the list checked off by nighttime.

Hunker down

2011-10-29T11:25:00.002-04:00

[Warmer days.] Rain is shifting to snow; they're confused with each other. It's one of those days where you roast things in the oven partly to cook food but mostly to have the oven on. Greyness keeps me inside, but for a moment I ran to the library and ran back, and caught a poem for the day:

seeker of truth

follow no path
all paths lead where

truth is here

--e. e. cummings

Dim, dimly

2011-10-27T15:54:00.002-04:00

[From Tuesday, a choppy day on the water.] Today's plans were waylaid, but in a good way, since I got more time to rest and work. Writing is still chugging along, a surprise but also a comfort. I thought about what both Terry Tempest Williams and Susan Tweit wrote, about the importance of journals. It made me bolt up in bed at 1am, turn on the light, and dig through a corner of storage devoted to all of my old journals and sketchbooks. I nearly pulled a muscle trying to dig out the ones I needed: from Korea.

[Last night.] While digging, I browsed through selections of other journals from way back, and was amazed: history repeats itself. I'd read myself writing the same thing over and over again, these doubts I had about myself, the observations that other people would make about me (whether or not their opinions were welcome or invited), and then the inevitable run I'd make to my sister, who would always reassure me that I was just fine. This morning, I read more work by Glenn Omatsu, which confirmed the fact that history repeats itself, where he talks about the corporate war on the poor in the late 1970s and how it affected civil rights movements.

It's all very disheartening, especially on a rainy day, but all the more impetus for me to continue mining my recent past, making choices about how to spin it, how I am writing and rewriting my own history in hopes that it serves a greater good. It's not just about the papermaking, but I'm grateful that papermaking woke me up and that I get to write about working in water on rainy days.

10,000 words, 10 hours

2011-10-26T12:25:00.002-04:00

I think that's how much I've written so far. Slow and steady. I forgot to mention that last night, Susan Saladoff, the director of "Hot Coffee," the film that my sister edited, was on the Colbert Report last night. You can watch the interview online, where Susan was able to give a lot of good info on what tort reform really is (I love how she says it should be called tort deform). I've been reading about Asian American activism, and have been thinking about how to do activist work beyond the obvious methods. Then I think of my sister, who is now cutting a documentary about how corporations don't pay taxes. How she doesn't get totally depressed is beyond me.

Calmer

2011-10-25T17:54:00.001-04:00

My head was still going a million miles on a short walk today, but the wind boxed my ears and I finally came down. On the way home, some milkweed. Always makes me happy.

Real work

2011-10-25T11:34:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I started a new writing regimen and new work schedule. It's hard, but it feels good to know I can do it. I'm hoping that in a month, I will get stronger and more accustomed to the structure. Meanwhile, I just got a comment on my jiseung video that made me laugh. People seem to think that it's a "how to" video, rather than a quick intro to the craft. I have noticed the hits on it climbing by the tens of thousands and have no idea why. It's a little stressful, frankly, and people keep subscribing to my channel. I wish I could say, "I'm not adding more videos any time soon!" It's amazing how thirsty people are for how-to's; it creates the challenge of sorting out my feelings about giving away instruction just because people expect it in the days of "free," immediate, and ubiquitous information.

Whizzing + contemplation

2011-10-23T13:53:00.003-04:00

The color change is slower than usual. I have been thinking about things, nearly getting big thoughts together and in line, only to lose them again while running around, either via mind distractions or my legs.

I was so happy to see Melissa on Friday and get some hang out/set up time before her CBA class started. She gave me brilliant gifts of paper and tools; it's such a treat to not be asked, "What do you want?" and simply be given exactly what it is I need.

I feel like my admin head and studio head and writing head and relationship head are all not quite cooperating. There is so much to figure out and shift, about the impossibility of constant balance, about the reality of constant change, and about how to live while friendly with death. So, all of those heads have been over the moon while reading these past few days. Terry Tempest Williams is an amazing gift to us. I wanted to share so much from Refuge, but why don't you just re/read it instead? To get bits like this:

The site adjacent to ours has already been excavated. Larry informed us that they had uncovered a burial: an Anasazi woman, approximate date A.D. 1050-1200.

"But what was unusual about this site were the objects we found buried with her--three ollas, corrugated vessels used for carrying water, and several large balls of clay. You could still see the palm prints of the person who had made them." He paused. "She was wearing a turquoise pendant. We believe she was a potter."

"And where is she now?" I asked.

"We reburied her."

I feel like a potter trying to shape my life with the materials at hand. But my creation is internal. My vessel is my body, where I hold a space of healing for those I love. Each day becomes a firing, a further refinement of the potter's process.

I must also learn to hold a space for myself, to not give everything away. It reminds me of the Indian teachings of Samkhya:
If you consciously hold within yourself three quarters of your power and use only one quarter to respond to any communication coming from others, you can stop the automatic, immediate and thoughtless movement outwards, which leaves you with a feeling of emptiness, of having been consumed by life. This stopping of the movement outwards is not self-defense, but rather an effort to have the response come from within, from the deepest part of one's being.
--Terry Tempest Williams, Refuge: An Unnatural History of Family and Place

Where I wish I was

2011-10-20T23:28:00.002-04:00

Someday, I'll also have a bamboo forest in my backyard. Today was a long day in town, but wonderful. I visited Robbin in her beautiful home and studio, which keeps changing and getting more lovely (the fig trees are HUGE!) each time I visit. The neighborhood has changed so much, or at least their block. Unbelievable, gentrification.

We had a delicious lunch, as always, and it was a rare treat to spend so much time with her. I felt this compulsion to help her, since I used to work for her, and was so grateful for the mentoring she continues to do for me. We talked about the lack of awareness and research in injury prevention in papermaking, how you really can have everything you want in life as long as you are clear about what it is you want and are patient, massive life changes, making work in the world versus networking in the world, weaving paper, and so on and so ON. To feel the changes in both her and myself were fascinating. Plus, it was a beautiful day.

Then I went to prep for class and it turns out we are at full enrollment! Two more women signed up, and it will be a really nice group. I was completely hung up about trying to design a print that requires the least amount of carving work possible. I will definitely be the exasperating student, which is funny after our afternoon talk about the need to work hard. I'll get over it soon enough; I probably needed time to resist myself for a bit before I do the right thing, or simply go into competitive mode when I see myself falling behind everyone else. Oh, the joy of working amongst people again.

Muddling along

2011-10-19T17:54:00.002-04:00

I am still unprepared for class tomorrow. I need to have a drawing of the print I want to make. Eh. At least I think I finally got the faux mechanical drawings done for the article I drafted last week, so I am free to draw now, sans ruler! I'm feeling antsy about older work I made that is all rolled up; I'm tempted to slash and bind into big books--lighter versions of Anselm Kiefer's. I keep forgetting that he's still alive and not that old, and found out about a film about his process that hopefully I can see someday.

Shopping and ABBA

2011-10-18T16:21:00.002-04:00

[The basket I finished on my bday: hanji coated in coagulated kakishibu and kon'nyaku.] Just when I thought I'd get back into hyper work mode, I got a spa day today with my mom and Terttu. They have a lot in common, my mother having immigrated alone to the U.S. when she was 22 and Terttu when she was 18. The former reminds the latter of her own mother, since our moms both love ABBA and shopping, which we experienced today. I love going to the sauna with people who get it--no freaking out about everyone being naked, or the hot tubs, or the steam sauna, or the cold tanks, or the Korean food afterwards and heated floor naps. I mailed a package to my grandmother today, and thought about how she and my mom have always had a very difficult relationship. I could have easily gone that route, but I spent years in therapy + a year in Korea to work on understanding the relationship. It's not perfect, and we have our ugly moments, but I'm reminded again of what Chela said years ago: going to Korea would be all about dealing with my mom. So prescient! In that sense, then, all of the hanji research is just a large and happy byproduct of a much bigger life change. For which I am grateful.

BTW, I am looking now at Chela's new work and want it all.

Drawing straight lines

2011-10-17T16:28:00.002-04:00

Terttu shot this. Isn't she the best? She got all five family members in the shot, even though the men were outside during the singing and candle wishing. A walk to the river, friends and family, cake, potato chips, lobster, tea, wine, apples, berries, Korean food, reading, journaling, a library trip, noticing a big milkweed patch, spotting tame wild animals, deer and wild strawberry sightings, sifting through old photo albums, drawing, a fave TV show, a nap, yoga, meditation, whew! I never thought it was possible to get that many Things I Like done/eaten in one day, so yesterday was pretty special.

But now it's Monday, and after leftover bday cake for breakfast (and b/t bfast-lunch, and after lunch), I had to get to work. I watched "The Snowman" and did some preliminary sketches for my woodblock class, which was pleasant enough. But then I started my attempts at mechanical drawing, except not really, since I refuse to do them to scale. I used to be really good at this, in middle school, but I don't have any of the right tools now. I spent all day on ONE drawing and have this fear that after doing all of them, the editor who requested drawings and work plans (we had no work plans last year in Cleveland; we made it up as we went along) will reject them. But I like to think it's good for me to draw these all, anyway.

A Very Happy

2011-10-16T20:34:00.000-04:00

Pleasant things

2011-10-15T22:41:00.002-04:00

Hanji samples that never made the cut. This is the "wrinkles" batch being tested: first they got coated with methylcellulose yesterday. Then I methylcellulosed several into larger patched pieces so I can make slightly larger images.

And these are the tests: unsized hanji vs. methylcellulose as external sizing. Is there a difference? Yes. Will it be enough to hold up to multiple print runs? Good question. Won't know for a while. But I'd prefer sticking to MC since the other external sizing options are all substances that insects love to eat.

The colors are changing slowly. My mother predicts slow color change but drastic leaf loss. We shall see. Today I jumped onto a train to have a sister afternoon/evening. We met at the art supply store so she could get me birthday gifts: woodcarving tools! Then a walk, frozen yogurt, shopping, and a Korean dinner. She got me a bday cake plus very exciting candles. Leave it to the Koreans to make such lovely things. We'll see each other again tomorrow with the rest of the family and another cake. I'm glad I caught that train.

Newness

2011-10-13T22:53:00.002-04:00

[The ones that didn't make the cut of 1,700 samples.] I've been in such anticipation for months now for my Japanese woodblock class. Tonight was our first! The group is super nice and I've wanted to study with Takuji for years. Now that I have an extra, but new, thing on my plate, I hope I will organize my time better and get everything else done. And I am less than 30 pages away from finishing the 500 pages of this Korean history book after a couple of big-push days, so the self-prescribed medicine is almost drained. Hooray!

True warmth

2011-10-12T10:43:00.002-04:00

Yesterday's mailbox yielded a soft package that was still warm when I opened it (it was sunny yesterday, so I assume it warmed it while the mail carrier was making deliveries). See the spun paper that wrapped the gift? So you know it was from Velma!

It came in the middle of a very productive day. An article draft done, 1,700 tiny pieces of hanji sorted and counted, a stirring draft of the speech I would have made about the merits of papermaking if I was able to, another chapter of Korean history read, and a delicious hot lunch made in the excitement of Getting Things Done. Maybe the full moon was to blame. I didn't want to go to sleep because I knew that not every day would be so productive, and I wasn't looking forward to whatever slump today would bring. But I got up to Jami recommending a superb article about single women. Today also brings a bright spot: I'm going to visit the bakery to try a carrot cupcake. If I like it, cupcakes for my birthday this weekend! If not, two cakes are already ordered for that day.

Stasis

2011-10-11T10:12:00.002-04:00

That's where I am these days, which explains my crotchety-ness. Though I did sew up a blank book yesterday with scraps of both paper and thread, and it calmed me. I realized I should do something equally mindless but handful daily to keep myself sane.

Today's adventure was to take a walk. I hate to do this in this area b/c the nice place to walk is still very close to civilization (cars, planes, houses, people). But I did it despite my neuroses, and got to see my favorite bamboo fence/forest that someone planted in their backyard to increase privacy on this walkway. And I learned something! It's fall (even though we hit a warm spell). The leaves are falling. I know because I saw them fall.

It doesn't seem like a big deal but to me right now it is.

Inheritance

2011-10-10T08:48:00.002-04:00

I had a lovely dinner and conversation and walk with my friend last night, and she affirmed the thoughts I've been recognizing for a few days now about her generation and mine. I know I may sound terribly whiny. I am jealous of a generation that seems to have had a good run of it, that started with a grounding in nature and real-person socialization, and then witnessed and participated in the technology onslaught and redefinition of our lives, and even had some faith in our leaders. Mostly, I'm jealous that they get to die before things get really, really bad. It seems like our species is rapidly regressing and I miss being around people who enjoy walking outside (and I don't mean on pavement or through urban jungles) or exchanging thoughts about books they are reading or have just read, since they always read books (real books that reflect, not project, light). And the funny thing is that I don't know how I turned out this way: I grew up so removed from nature, or at least the wilderness, and am still squirmish about a lot of it. I realized this morning that it all changed once I started traveling on artist residencies. I'm grateful for the chance to have seen so many different landscapes in so many disparate locations, and for the good fortune to have been taken out of the rat races in cities. You can't know until you know.

Landscapes in China

2011-10-09T18:43:00.002-04:00

Also! Yuan Zuo, a brilliant Chinese painter I met while we were both teaching in VT this summer, will be having a show in Beijing that opens on Saturday.

Opening: October 15th, 2011, 3:00 pm (Lecture at 2pm)

Exhibition Date: October 15th－30th, 2011

Venue: Inside-Out Art Museum

Address: No.65 Xingshikou Road, Haidian District, Beijing

Miniblog: weibo.com/insideoutartx

Sponsor: Beijing Xishan Industry Investment Co., Ltd.
Beijing Inside-out Art Investment Co., Ltd.

Media Support: Art China

Tel: 8610-6285 6651 Fax: 8610-6285 6688

Something of a true weekend

2011-10-09T17:48:00.003-04:00

I had planned to work all day Saturday but after indulging myself at the farmers market, couldn't bear to stay inside when it seemed the whole world was outside and gleeful. So I rode into town and met my sister and her husband to dawdle in and out of stores and watch a movie, "Moneyball." Then ambling up to Koreatown for food, and home before late. All the acting like a regular person enjoying the weekend put me to bed with slight vertigo, for no reason I could surmise, but I woke up without it this morning. After lazy Sunday reading (a huge Korean history book), I took a LONG midday nap, which is uncharacteristic, where I dreamed about drying hanji. After more reading, a haircut! Tonight, a week-early birthday dinner w/an old friend, who was my teacher.

Yesterday morning, I wondered about why I am a generation (or more) younger than so many of my close friends. Was I was born at the wrong time or am I again refusing to act my age? I thought as a pre-adolescent that I'd be able to skip adolescence after reading about how terrible it was. That backfired, I actually delayed my adolescence, and now am way behind where I "should" be, developmentally. Yet for years, I have been reading about death and dying, about preparing for old age and the end of life, and I wonder if I'm again trying to skip a decade or three. I spend so much time hearing about menopause that I sometimes think my symptoms are related, even though they are most certainly not.

This last trip to Cleveland at least made me feel like an adult in a few ways: being sick enough but having to work, so succumbing to buying OTC drugs, gaining more confidence when backing out of driveways, and remembering every time before it's too late to turn off the headlights when I park the car. And, this weekend, letting myself have a weekend!

Memento mori

2011-10-07T09:07:00.003-04:00

Last night, I went to an opening at the Irish Historical Society because my dear friends Inga and Andy from Northern Ireland were there. Inga had a piece in the show that was on the floor, partially under the grand piano (look at the first piece in "exhibitions" - that's the one). The theme was black, or darkness, and called dubh. Her fiber piece reminded me of ones I had seen when I was in Belfast and Bangor, but then I noticed these small charred-looking bones of porcelain. They TOTALLY made the piece. She carried a rusty box with her purse last night and I wondered all night why, until I asked her about the bones and she asked if I'd like one and she opened the box and they were full of them, with a little handmade paper tag tied around them: MEMENTO MORI.

These days, all days, it seems appropriate. In Cleveland, my host/surrogate mom said she was glad she didn't have to raise small children right now (her sons are in their mid to late 20s), and how sad it is to see that people don't really care about each other anymore. She has always been an active member of her street collective, a volunteer, works hospitality in a hospital, takes care of a woman with MS, and has started taking care of a stray cat that appeared when her beloved dog passed of cancer. She's a wonderfully compassionate human being, built to be a caretaker, though even she needs a break from time to time. But when my sister asked me what exactly that meant, about people not caring about each other, I said it was bigger than not helping your elderly neighbor take out the trash or giving to those in more need. It's the outrageous stuff that happens every day, like men thinking women need to "be prepared" for rape, men who are public servants. Though we've all given up on politicians, it's because they've forgotten the job they were actually supposed to do, to serve the public. I don't think people know what service looks like anymore, or feels like. Maybe we're all in denial of dying, or in morbid fear of it.

At least now I have this beautiful bone.

Early stages of attachment

2011-10-05T16:07:00.002-04:00

[These old stories again, from 2004. They've had about three lives so far, and I'm pondering the fourth now.] You know how you get to the point in a relationship where you start to leave a toothbrush? I left my boots in Cleveland. AND my hanji screen. That's a lot of trust, but it makes sense to me. I can't make hanji anywhere but the Morgan, and hopefully the boots don't walk.

I'm not taking it personally that it rained almost my entire two weeks in Ohio and the sun came out just as I left. The weather doesn't care about me. I slept in and managed to get back into the physical self-care routine I had created for myself, and was relieved that I hadn't really lost any strength. Though it's hard to imagine I could have, after so much big papermaking. I wish there was some kind of exercise that prepares you for that kind of physical exertion, but the only thing I can imagine that would come close is farming. Now I am back to the usual mental and administrative exertion that happens as I park my ass in front of the computer. With a pause here and there to snail mail love out into the world.

Small victories

2011-10-03T22:57:00.002-04:00

I cheated today and dried eight sheets of Morgan kozo that I made Japanese style, on the heat dryer, without pressing. I love skipping steps. They're lovely. I managed also to make one perfect blue sheet in drying, but ripped it while peeling it off the dryer. Tom got my VERY best one, the last two that I left stuck together instead of attempting to part them. So the Morgan now has a nice selection of hanji: Japanese kozo, Korean dak, Thai kozo, and two blues. I'm going home with the rest. Velma, even in the midst of her own challenges, gave me very very good advice last night, which I followed today. I cut down a TON of hanji into 2x3 samples while I had use of a shears and guillotine. I think I have almost 2,000 but have to curate them when I get home. I had hoped to do it here with a lightbox, but this is pretty good progress for a week of work. And what a week it has been! I'll be happy to get home tomorrow, if for nothing but a night of sleep and a morning of sleeping in.

A brief breather

2011-10-02T12:41:00.002-04:00

Tom demoed a watermark on laser-cut foam for a special preview audience last night.

Julie took great pictures for me last night during my demos of Korean and Japanese papermaking. Like last year when she took my hanji workshop, she was so helpful and gracious, and so good natured. I loved seeing her with her husband, who was also a trooper, beating fiber all day and always working, heoping out. It's rare to see such a solid, healthy marriage (31 years!), so that was a treat these past days.

Marcus and a bunch of other interns appeared last night, which was so fun. I especially loved seeing how they've bonded so tightly through working here.

The blue is still jarring, though the paper dries much more lovely than this garish tone. I worked overtime at the mill so I missed the closing of the auction, where I was outbid on everything. I finally met Rebecca Cross, another Obie, who does gorgeous fiber work. We fondled each others scarves. I also got to meet Deborah Howe this weekend, on the board of the Morgan, who was so sweet and amiable. We talked last night about group meetings of book and paper people, and how she likes them. I steer clear, for a variety of reasons, but we come from different generations in the field. My mentors and predecessors had to figure things out on their own, and created strong networks of friends and colleagues. I walked into an MFA program (by then, curricula had been developed, books had been written, a field starting to solidify and codify), didn't click with my cohort, and never developed that particular kind of community (at least, not right away). This morning, Tom said that if I went to group meetings, I'd make more friends. I love my friends and value friendship more than almost everything, but I'm not looking for more friends.

Over the years, I keep feeling a veil that falls behind my eyes when I interact with people. Maybe it became more noticeable when an ex-friend told me that I was cold. This horrified me, since I had spent much of my teens and 20s trying to be warm and huggy. But as time passed, I thought, maybe I am cold. Or, maybe I need more space than I thought I did. I hated myself for a while when I'd feel the screen come down: I'd hear myself talking and feel myself going through the motions, but I never connected. I worried that I was a fraud. I felt it last night during the demos, and probably self-preservation instincts were kicking in--maybe there is no way to survive without the shield. It has been hard to make paper amidst crowds, or even a few people, or even with one person that I like very much here and there. I like making paper alone. That's the whole point for me, just me and the mess.

I was amazed by how all of these people who were a generation older than me were still energetic and hanging out after the open house, with no signs of leaving or flagging. I left at midnight, feeling like crap, since I've been battling season-change-over-worked sickness and in the middle of my period. But even though I was completely wrung out, I stayed up to work. I've felt out of sorts since I got to Ohio because I haven't been on top of my admin, my daily ordering of my life, my compulsiveness. Once my receipts were labeled, logged, and filed, and various other pressing things unraveled, I finally felt like I could crawl into bed. But it has been COLD, and windy. I could barely breathe from congestion and then fell into a natural state of grief, crying in my exhaustion. My loss is different and less profound than hers, but I read Susan Tweit's recent blog post, and her keening resonated deeply.

I obviously fell down this entire trip on self care, trying to survive solely on drive. But I can't sustain it. I watch Tom and marvel at how he can keep working, all day, all night, every day, for years, without much fuel, with such a good heart and attitude. Meanwhile, I feel like a dried-up carrot that has been run over and is washing away in the rain. This carrot soup has another long drive back to Oberlin to drop off books and have a meeting, then back for dinner with my surrogate mom, and then a giant pile of work before tomorrow's lecture at CIA and workshop with enthusiastic book arts students. If I'm lucky, I'll muster up the strength to do one last papermaking afternoon on Monday before packing it all in for Tuesday's flight home. Today is my first day not getting wet after a week of pushing too hard. Maybe this breather will make it possible to have one last quiet papermaking session tomorrow before I'm done for the year.

Today's the day!

2011-10-01T12:21:00.002-04:00

I know it's miserable weather but if you are in the Cleveland area, drop by the Morgan tonight for their annual open house. The art is fabulous, and I'm sure the food / drink / entertainment will be as well. I'll do hanji demos from 7:15 to 8pm and there will be binding and letterpress demos as well throughout the night.

See you soon!

Struggles and blue

2011-09-30T17:30:00.002-04:00

I'm still completely biased towards the Korean fiber. Everything else has been destroying me. Yesterday was especially hard, partly b/c more people have gotten to town and were at the Morgan, so there was a large audience for my failures. But we went blue! It was SO unnerving to pull, but today it was better. You get used to it. Parting is not happening but I'm still learning a lot. SO much.

Yes!

2011-09-28T18:48:00.002-04:00

In response to Velma's comment, that this is exactly the work I'm to be doing. Too busy to catch a breath but I love that the kozo garden is now resulting in "weeds" - they're growing past their bounds.

Today was a great success! The dak pulled beautifully and more importantly, PARTED perfectly. To the point that a volunteer, Scott, was able to part like a pro on his first try. I am sooo happy about this. After talking to Tom about tints, I'm now also tempted to turn the vat blue, ever so slightly, now that we're down to Thai kozo. Yesterday: Japanese, today: Korean, tomorrow and the rest: Thai. We have plenty, so why not play?

Trying to dry

2011-09-27T20:16:00.002-04:00

[A mural at Third World Co-op at Oberlin.] Today is still not over but I am waiting for a sheet of paper to dry and it takes at least five minutes per sheet on this useful but not very hot heat dryer. I pulled all three pounds of Japanese kozo today but the formation aid, again, did not set up, so I had to do a lot of technique modification to get sheets formed, period. I had to press twice b/c I was too conservative in the first round (and a little too aggressive in the second!). So my body is killing me. The sheets were insanely thin, which was a risk, and I'm paying for it now while drying. After trying to do one at a time (which are two sheets), I now am going two at a time (four sheets). I probably pulled over 100 sheets (meaning about 50 sheets, but now with these doubled-up ones, 25??) but will be lucky if I get enough to cut into 1,700 tiny samples for publication.

Long, hard day but still a lot of learning. Time to see if this sheet has dried yet!

Arrived!

2011-09-26T12:48:00.002-04:00

This is at Oberlin, shot by Clyde Owan '79, when I was out in town enjoying the beautiful Saturday weather. Now I'm at the Morgan, and have already gotten bitten by a mosquito (it found a little exposed flesh at my neck so now my scarf is on). I think I may have already thrown out my back but Tom has done an amazing job helping prep a whole bunch of fiber for me. If it wasn't for that, I'd have WAY more manual labor ahead of me. It was great to drive in during the day yesterday to meet my beloved hosts; their home feels like a second home to me. So already, the week is off to a good start. Let's see how many bites I get by the end.

The whole world

2011-09-24T18:30:00.002-04:00

I wish I got to play with the world like that when I was a kid.

Yesterday was rainy and grey, all day. Classic Oberlin weather. Today was sunny and gorgeous. Naturally, tons of students were walking around barefoot on both days, but more today than yesterday. I've been meeting people nonstop, but it was great to spend time here w/my mom, and yesterday's awards dinner went well. My heart was going to jump out of my chest leading up to, and during, my acceptance speech, but it went well. I'm grateful for all of it, and am hoping for the tiniest of naps before seeing Ira Glass speak. What a sweet trip.

Before the flight

2011-09-21T09:18:00.002-04:00

Done Monday, finally.

Done Tuesday afternoon.

Done Tuesday night.

I can't tell what I love more: the weavings or the offcuts. I finally depleted my stash of dyed hanji cords. Dyed in Korea in 2009, corded in Belfast in 2010, woven in NY in 2011.

It took longer than I'd like, but I'm happy with the new family of things. Now it's time to pack and focus on the journey that begins tomorrow: Ohio!

The plans never pan out

2011-09-19T19:04:00.002-04:00

The one in the middle is last night's. I realize now that this is what I did in Belfast last year: one little woven piece each day, to keep myself somewhat sane. It didn't assuage the disappointment in my inability to make bigger, more profound, more meaningful work, but at least I didn't leave empty handed. I don't know why I'm making these, but I'm still learning, so I'll keep doing it until I run out of cords or time or patience. I had a great talk the other night with Katherine about how impossible it is to see the trajectory of our lives and careers until we've actually lived and worked them for a while. I have a hard time appreciating the good and positive when the downers seem so convincing, but soon I won't have time to brood. I just have a couple days here before I'm off to another Ohio adventure.

Today's downer: the blender pen makes horrible transfers onto the paper I made and bound into books. Today's upper: I editioned it anyway, by hand. Every single one by hand in pencil. Oh, crap! Writing this, I realize this is ALSO what I did last year in Belfast: create a handmade paper edition of ten books with all hand-lettered text (and I'd hardly call it lettered, more scrawled). But hey, it's done. And what's the edition called? Resilience.

Recovery in a new season

2011-09-18T10:35:00.002-04:00

I fell ill Friday, unexpectedly, in an response to the strange events happening all around me. It has passed but I was amazed by it, and my relationship to illness--having an inkling about what was happening but being too superstitious to name it, for fear it would morph into something worse. So that day was a wash. Yesterday I tried balance: a workout, library, legal dramas on TV, but at the end of the day HAD to make something to feel okay to be watching pure entertainment. So, #4. More learning! I will continue as long as I keep learning, plus the calluses are forming again.

Fellowship

2011-09-15T23:21:00.002-04:00

That was part of my I Ching reading today. So it was nice to go out tonight to support Maria at the Korea Society. She previewed her documentary in progress, and I was duly horrified by my hair in my interview clips and wanted to run out of the room. The good thing is that I sounded articulate and didn't make ugly faces, but I could barely pay attention to anything I said b/c my hair looked like it had been run over by a truck. This is the problem with being so careless about my presentation, so very un-Korean. Most people I know either have given up hope or still think I may, someday, grow up and learn how to make myself presentable. Regardless, I met lots of fascinating people, and even got to talk to an idol of sorts, to whom I gave this tiny gourd that I made today. I had it in my pocket to show my sister but never ended up seeing her, so when I thanked Dr. Kendall for responding to an email of mine a few years ago, I realized I was holding this tiny thing and gave it to her. I learned some new things from it, too, today in my hands. Practice really does help.

9 to 5: not for me

2011-09-14T18:43:00.002-04:00

Who was I kidding? Mostly, I was trying to ramp down on eye-intensive work late in the day. But the better idea is to go to an opthamologist. Since it's been so long that I can't remember the last time I've been. Two big shipments are off to Cleveland, and one more little thingy made. This time I learned a lot: when to reduce and why it affects trimming, why binding off always happens on the OUTSIDE of the piece, and, yes! it's possible to have the lid open the other direction.

The duplicate

2011-09-13T17:28:00.002-04:00

I made another little lidded thingy and chained the off-cuts and it was not as satisfying as the first (for various technical reasons but also mostly b/c the first is always so exciting) but there was plenty more that I learned from doing it. That was my thing to do with my hands today. Qigong was my extra thing to do for my morning today. Writing a new chapter of the book was my finally what I am supposed to be doing, today. And somehow I stayed on top of the admin without exploding into frustration.

My sister also asked me a question last night that was so strange to me, but then I turned it over in my head and wondered, why not indeed? The question: Why can't you just work hours like regular people? I always assumed NO WAY, b/c every second of the day must be consumed with work or trying to, at least, until it's time to lay down to sleep. But maybe that's why I burn out so quickly in a given week. So, it's a nice idea. Seemingly a HUGE luxury: to have the evening for not working. I doubt it will stick, but it can't hurt to try.

Only to find I lost track again

2011-09-12T20:22:00.002-04:00

I realized this evening that I spent a great deal of my day doing things for other people. And that I do that every day. So I spent the rest of the waning daylight hours and early evening doing something for myself. I finished the big heavy book I've been struggling to finish, and then walked to the book drop to return it, and THANK GOODNESS I did, because I got to see the harvest moon! I am still frustrated by how little work I did today that means anything to me but am hoping it's the usual housekeeping of a Monday. Not too long ago, I wrote "I feel a strong urge to protect my time and energy." India circled it and wrote, "This is important." Time to return to priority number one: self care.

Sitting with anger

2011-09-11T12:54:00.003-04:00

I did my meditation late today, since the morning was full of work. I wish I could take the weekend off, but not this one. I had a great meeting yesterday with a paper conservator who has done excellent research on hanji, so we geeked out for hours about that, all wrapped up with being Korean, being women, and so on. So much came out of that, ideas for the near and far future, but mostly I feel the work I have to do is that much more pressing.

But while sitting, I realized I was angry. All of the memorial stuff going on today and how much it has been ramped up in the days, weeks, months leading up to it. Of course it is important to memorialize and remember the innocent dead. But from that has been created a whole new species of the living dead. I am still ashamed of this country's response and am amazed to think that people would be okay with the post office being shut down but not a fraction of the defense budget. The post office!! It is NOT OKAY to even consider saying goodbye to it! Not to mention how many letters I sent to Afghanistan. It is NOT OKAY to keep sending people there the way we are, and have been.

I know how I "should" be feeling and how grateful I "should" be for many things, including my life. But how I really feel is angry. And that's fine, because it will pass.

Little by little

2011-09-08T21:33:00.002-04:00

Practice doing a rectangular bottom, from last night. I got blisters immediately. But it feels almost like a castanet.

This morning's little book, made after the sun came out as a surprise. I thought it was just going to keep raining forever. Tonight I went to the Korea Society and then to Pace/MacGill, both for openings. Plus, I got to see Terttu again!

If only

2011-09-07T15:51:00.002-04:00

I want to only work! But only one kind of work. The making stuff with my hands kind. These are covers made with Velma this summer, thread from then, too, and hanji from Boston.

A stir in the rubble

2011-09-06T20:40:00.002-04:00

Maybe the worst is over? I certainly hope so. This weekend, as much as I tried to NOT take it off, ended up being, indeed, something of a holiday weekend. I got to see Breda and her family and most importantly, meet her beautiful baby girl, almost a year old. I did that two days in a row. I got to see an old college friend yesterday, too, and then had dinner with my sister and bro-in-law and spent the night.

Somehow, despite the poor subway service, rain, and cold, I made it back home to do a full workout. I only got a tiny meditation after a shower and wasn't able to mail my latest book (pictured above) to Velma (since it's all about her wonderful border collie Wendy). But the real treat? A visit from Terttu! Lots of tea, lots of looking at books, lots of catching up on a rainy day. Now that I am full up on love, I can start to labor again.

Splayed open

2011-09-02T13:15:00.002-04:00

I'm SO TIRED of this year. Too many trials, too much character building, too many opportunities to draw upon great reserves of strength. A medically-induced coma sounds like a good idea. With this fine attitude, I finally got around to website updates. More like slash and burn, but adequate for now. There are two new books in the knitted books section (like the book you see above, covered in Velma's sister's pants), and a bunch more in the artists' books section. Oh, and I highly, highly recommend Linda Sue Park's A Single Shard. I'm so very grateful for the work she puts into the world.

Varied heartbreak

2011-09-01T21:29:00.003-04:00

Today has been a trial, family matters. Elizabeth posted the mail art she has been getting for her Outsider project. Here's mine! And today I got to see Jeannie and sweep the Met and MAD. The first was wonderful, and the latter was depressing. Again, varied reasons, none to delve into now. Happy to have seen some good art, learned about camelids, and seen cut feathers.

Things that are taken away

2011-08-31T15:22:00.002-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night so I got up and prepared more books to bind. By today, three more. Well, one is a mini, waiting to be gifted.

Last night, I read Linda Sue Park's wonderful historical novel about a Korean family during the Japanese occupation, leading up to WWII, called When My Name Was Keoko. It was well researched (except that I'm unsure if comfort women actually got a satisfactory apology from the Japanese government), besides being well written, and it made me so sad about history that we'll never know, not only about this pocket in time and space, but so many others. I learned about the late Korean marathoner, Sohn Kee-chung, by reading the book, and then noticed that his story had been shared recently in the Guardian. My sister noted that I seem overly sensitive to this topic, but it's the same feeling that keeps me from being able to read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, and makes me wonder if I can handle reading the late Iris Chang's The Rape of Nanking, sitting in my current pile of books. Humans keep doing unspeakable things to each other.

In that light, I shouldn't be too upset that the DMV ate up a few hours of my day. But I still wonder about how important, or not, our lives are to each other.

Priorities

2011-08-30T20:54:00.002-04:00

I did a whole list of them last night, to calm myself. Self care is at the top of the list, which is a challenge to maintain, but it has to stay at the top. Still, I managed to finally finish binding an edition of books. Blank as of yet, but I had been itching to bind them with a very laborious method, which is why it took this long (I had made the paper in April). I also got a nice fat pile of books from the library, so priority number two (writing/reading) feels like a wood stove with plenty of fuel.

First steps in the foundation

2011-08-29T17:12:00.002-04:00

[Before they got covered in paper bits.] I go to the post office every day these days, sometimes more than that. I will go again tomorrow. I am making new versions of books that were new a couple months ago. Cording hanji that has been laying around for years. Fulfilling obligations to friends by making new work. Slowly filling my schedule. Working steady!

The Receptive and The Creative

2011-08-27T18:24:00.002-04:00

[For an exhibit in the Philippines this fall.] Farmers market, a gift for women in the mail, stamps bought, haircut, a gift for ME at the door (a beautiful book of Hawaiian plants for papermaking by Marilyn Wold--treasure!), a little reading, a little nap, ironing a big hanji piece, a talk with Eric, and other Saturday items. The despair and euphoria have evened out into life. Living my life with soup and noodles suits me fine.

Order and disorder

2011-08-26T16:41:00.002-04:00

A couple weeks ago, we sighted a hummingbird at these flowers. Has never happened, not in 30 years, such a sight. Today was full, getting to the loose ends, so many that I could make an entire rug. For a really big floor.

After two years, I took a big breath and reorganized my hanji. It's still crazy, since I have no proper paper storage. No flat files, nothing. But at least it has gone from one ENORMOUS roll plus a zillion smaller ones to several neatly stacked rolls (plus the zillion smaller ones, slightly better organized). I mailed things like art and cookies. I bought a frame for a brilliant pulp painting by Tom that now hangs over my bed. I'm so lucky to even own it! It's perfect. I hung more art and negotiated the sale of two pieces. I advised a paper colleague on traveling to Korea. I admin-ed a lot, made a couple of cords, rinsed some paper coated in kaki. Forgot about it until it flew off the balcony and I had to run downstairs to catch it before someone threw it away. Kept almost making work. The big thing will be to DO it. But I had to weave the rug first.

Enthusiasm in small steps

2011-08-25T19:55:00.002-04:00

[This evening, home.] I threw coins this morning, and the I Ching advised me very well. Though there was lots of rain today, I had waterproof shoes and a big umbrella, and got good work done. First, a photo shoot. People have wondered over the years why I pay a professional to shoot my slides. I met Stefan in 2002, and after a hiatus where I couldn't use him b/c I lived in Chicago for three years, I went back. There is no comparison to the people I used to hire. He's that good. People think I can do it myself. Well, I can't. I am no good at lighting, and would rather spend my time and energy making art or learning techniques or laughing with friends or sleeping, than forcing myself to understand the mathematics of reflection and refraction and whatever. I love being able to work with someone who is good at what he does. I love seeing my pieces treated like famous models at a shoot. It helps me feel like what I do is worth something, worth enough to hire an intelligent, worldly pro to help me put my best foot out into the world. And over the years, he has seen the range of my work, and understands how to shoot it. If I didn't enjoy the process of working with him so much, I'd ship my work to him to shoot without me. Trust.

I was disappointed with how little work I had for him since our last shoot. I must remedy that. After the shoot, I braved the rain to meet Helena for a delicious lunch at the Asia Society before we walked over to the Frick, a first visit for both of us. Though it's not my kind of art, it was still fascinating, and I found an exquisite trompe l'oeil that included images of two tiny scraps of paper, each with a drawing of a head. Then we sat down for tea. It's so nice to see friends again, get real hugs, be out in the world, walk, get around w/o a car, and work. The best end to the journey for today: I came home to an acceptance letter for a residency in the southwest! I am enthused.

Finally, the finality begins

2011-08-24T17:15:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you have to make journeys that are hard. There are all kinds of hard journeys. This one isn't as hard as most. Your greatgrandfather walked through a vast hunger. My grandfather watched his people vanish before his eyes. Your son will have a hard journey. My daughter is on a hard journey. But we make our journeys. We have no choice. We can't hide from who we are. That's no life at all. You know that. --Brian Doyle, Mink River

The immediacy of loss is searing, and I had purposely scheduled my final journey away from my final time with Ben via rail, hoping that the length but security of the tracks would give me time to process. More time to cry when you are on a train for half a day instead of on a plane for an hour. I had no room for airports or NYC or security checks. We got up so early that the moon and stars greeted us this morning for the long drive south, but the sun rose by the time he dropped me at the station. It took three trains to get home, and I shuffled between crying, reading a mediocre book, and staring out the window. The last one was good, since I was so mesmerized by the growths in the trees that I couldn't comprehend, saddened by the takeover of huge swaths of water by organisms that aren't very good for it, and soothed by the river, trees, sky, movement. I have already started to book myself to go out and work and socialize, starting tomorrow morning, but that is no guarantee that I won't cry while doing all of those things. This year is worst on my record since 2005, or 1998/9, or whenever. I know people live through relationships all the time, all stages of them, but I really dislike the ends of them.

Asked for, and done

2011-08-21T19:36:00.003-04:00

A train ticket booked, another to get en route, a ride promised, and showered. I miss drawing, and maybe I'll do more of that once I start the next chapter of my life. In the meantime, I realized last night that I will stay home in NY for the fall, and be there the way I was before I left for Korea. Meaning that I will take a printmaking class in Manhattan! To begin in October. I haven't treated myself to such a thing since...grad school?

And, from yesterday's reading:

I'll tell you about Asin. Did I ever tell you about Asin? She is the wild woman of the woods. It's an old story of the People. My mom used to tell me about Asin. Asin couldn't bear being married or having children or having friends. She always wanted to run wild. She ran wild through the woods. If you saw her running you had to run to water as fast as you could and drink or her restlessness would come into you like a thirst that could never be quenched. She was happy and unhappy. She had wild long hair and she was very tall and she ran like the wind. When you saw dunegrass rippling in a line she was running through it. When the wind changed direction suddenly that was Asin. She was never satisfied or content and so she ran and ran and ran. She would grab men who were fishing alone and make love to them and throw them down on the ground and run away weeping. She would grab children who wandered too far alone in the woods but she would return them to the same spot after three days and run away again. She would listen to women talking by the fire or working in the village or gathering berries but if they invited her to join them she ran away. You could hear her crying sometimes when the sun went down. She wanted something but she never knew what it was so she had nothing. She was a free as anyone ever could be and so she was trapped. When I was young I wanted to be Asin. Many times I wanted to be Asin and just run free. Run away. Sometimes I still want to be Asin. So do you, Nora. I know. It's okay. It's alright. My sweet love. Poor Asin. Sometimes I think that to be Asin would be the saddest thing in the world. Poor thing. Poor Nora. It's alright. I'm here. Alright. --Brian Doyle, Mink River

Grateful that I have traveled, though I am stranded right now

2011-08-20T19:07:00.006-04:00

I may have posted this on my blog last year, from Ireland, after hiking and peeing on a slope when no one was watching. I've been away from my computer since Monday afternoon, so all I can do is scavenge from old ones online. I just finished reading Mink River, which was beautiful and feverish and perfect for these times (and why I picked a photo from Ireland). I started it last night, and have been at it all day, while in a slow process of heartbreak. A new kind for me, but an ancient human one. Books might save (or distract) me, even though what I want right now looks like: a shower, a ride to a train station, and several train tickets.

In a matter unrelated to me, but also pertaining to heartbreak: the dog of my hosts last summer in the Cleveland area, died last week. They had to put him down because of cancer. I was shocked to hear the news, very sad. I will see them next month and stay for a bit, and we will share our losses.