Wednesday, August 12, 2009

For the sake of my heart

Yesterday's ink tests. This would be SO much more fun if I wasn't grinding my own ink. I keep looking for the stuff that's all ready to go and then I realize I only have the ink stick and the stone. Ah, the choices I make in idealism. My stone is small since I didn't want to buy a huge one and go over baggage limits when I came back from Korea, so the ink often splashes out, which is why I moved my grinding station away from the huge stack of hanji I made in the winter.

I've been doing this yesterday and today. I also finally got out of my frenzied, agitated, upset about things I can't control, generally hyper state. I sat down and forced myself to do a big piece even if I have to trash it later b/c I have to start the big stuff. It's SO scary. Small stuff is fine b/c it's easier to redo or hide, but the big stuff takes up so much room! I realize that a lot of my recent acting out has been my automatic sabotaging mechanism when I freak out about big things I have to do.

[I'm about out of paper for this piece. It's been fun!] I realized that all I have to do is do the work. Put in the hours. Practice. All that good stuff. And then I felt fine, sitting on the floor on a big patch of hanji I had made, tearing layers of hanji apart. I wondered what I was so upset about in the first place. During a water break, I saw an email from Elizabeth about her son's heart, and it made me realize that for the sake of MY heart, I need to get out of my head. Sure, head is useful for some things, but mostly it makes me crazy.

I liked what the Tufte piece below said: "ART IS ART". I've been struggling w/this paralyzing fear that I am going to make crap, which I know is ridiculous, but also super typical. But if I do the work, at least the work will be done. I looked at the floor plan for my Miami show in Oct, and got so excited to be working with 1. a real floor plan, 2. a real gallery space, and 3. a space big enough to breathe in. I rode the bike about 20x around the tiny driveway here, in circles, and am ready for the night work.

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