Sunday, July 26, 2009

Inevitable

I went to bed but couldn't fall asleep so I crept downstairs for the key so I could take a tiny walk since I had noticed the stars were visible when I took the trash out after dinner. It is so gorgeous and clear and breezy and cool and perfect out tonight. I still had my mouthguard in, but it was so good to hold my head in my hands and look up at twinkles. I realized that there is no use fighting all the human impulses I have since life will always be this way. I felt that way when I watched the water last week, and while getting groceries and doing laundry today w/Ben: people will keep doing errands on the weekends, wanting to touch the stars, venturing out into the water, being with the ones they love or doing whatever they can to be with them.

Velma reminded me that it's okay to feel scared, just not regretful. When Ben drove me closer to base to see the two apartment complexes he was considering for this fall, he could tell that I was freaking out, so he took me by the Asian market to assuage my slow awakening to the fact that I really am going to do this. I don't think I've ever been as aware of how I am affected by food in relation to my emotional state and homesickness (and "home" being similar to how JL had defined it once in an Indian restaurant in a department store in Seoul: a soft place to land). Eating out here makes me ill, but tonight I felt comforted by napa cabbage, both fresh and fermented.

I booked my ticket tonight for next Saturday. I'll be sad to leave Ben but it will feel good, I hope, to dive into the heart of the work that I've been preparing for since last year, maybe even earlier. I feel like I've been here forever already - the time warp is complete!

1 comment:

thanks for visiting!