Thursday, August 16, 2007

New relationships make me tired

I've had this tiny 4-megapixel Canon for almost four years now, and I still barely know how to use it (I just started bracketing with it yesterday!). The new version is now a fourth of the price I paid. But as fancy as new cameras are, this is as much as I can handle right now. And when will I ever get a video camera to document my performances? I've been putting that off for over a year because it exhausts me just thinking about how much time and energy it takes to figure out a new gadget that then becomes completely essential to your process. I told my web designer yesterday that all this new computer stuff makes me want to just run naked into the nearest jungle, leaving all worldly possessions behind. Though that would probably last about an hour, and then I'd come back, whining about bug bites.

Today steamrolled me, after being trapped on a train that was trapped on a rail between two other trains (the one ahead was disabled and the tow took forever). I was late to therapy, where I spouted all of Melissa's advice to me from my first year of grad school to last night, to display my wisdom by association. I'm trying to be aware of how I shut down when people say nice things to me, and am figuring out how to be present and accept the nice things. I got some instant practice today when I met Lystra at NYFA after lunch w/an old symphony colleague and a DVD drop w/my web designer. She said, "Aimee, you are very smart and you can do anything you put your mind to. You've done so much already!" Now, normally this kind of talk turns me off immediately and if you were to check my mind state, it would be in Alaska, scolding me for not saving the tundra from oil drilling. Today, I practiced sitting and hearing her, while shushing the mean voices. It's pretty amazing!

I realized today that even though I complain about how disappointing grad school was, I actually came out with some incredible tools and a few excellent teachers. A lot of my friends went in and out of grad school without close mentors. But I found someone I really clicked with from day one, who is still supportive now, when she doesn't have to be. When I was applying to schools, Shawn asked who the faculty were, and scolded me for not researching them more b/c he said that people go to grad school specifically to study with certain teachers. I said, screw that, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Whoa, was I lucky! My advisor got me, got me through all the administrative and academic tangles, and got me to stay in school to finish the program. Somehow, she survived three years of my crankiness. And she never laid a hand on me! HAHAAA. That is all a roundabout way of saying, Thanks, Melissa (which I say about 100 times a year).


  1. The photograph of you in the grass is stunning. Nice necklace, too.

  2. thanks! necklace courtesy of ivan, back in the old days when he worked in "fashion." he gave me a few lovely pieces.


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