Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I'm scared

This was just a month and change ago, when I got to be in the studio everyday, and did something everyday, even if it seemed trivial or meaningless or tiny. I'm at a block now. I sometimes pick up my pen and then put it back down, without having made a mark. Yoonshin warned me about this, and warned me not to wait to long, or hesitate. It's like I've exhausted all the little things and am trying to hide behind nothing, maybe a fern or a pinecone, so that maybe my big project won't see me.

Yesterday in yoga, I felt like the answer to "where is your spirit?" (after Ana said that it might not actually be inside our bodies) was: right in front of my face. I talked to Ellie last night about this, and about my fear of how that affects both my vision (I'm incredibly nearsighted) and my artistic vision. The fear being that if I actually was able to get my spirit back inside of me, that I would no longer be able to see in the way I am accustomed. Which probably wouldn't be a bad thing, but change is always drama for me. And I just want more and more to hide in the cave of my comfort zone.

I'm going to Mexico. I'm still too frightened to actually buy the plane ticket, but I will likely do so tomorrow, and then apply for the grant money for travel funds from an outside source. I'm suddenly learning all these things about Korea and other people's work, and feel like the world is getting bigger and bigger. So I feel smaller and smaller. This dry spell scares me. I have so much work to do, every day, and I work every day, but I feel like I'm skillfully avoiding what I really have to do. Every day.

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