Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Fear and loathing

I'm now blogging in TextEdit b/c Firefox now crashes every 3 minutes. It's horrible. Rafff is on my case everyday about getting a new computer (a black MacBook). Jen tonight told me about how bad memory can corrupt a hard drive. I'm now living in total fear, like I have a ticking bomb in my lap and I have no idea when it will explode. It's not very good anxiety to have, especially at a residency.

Anyhow, here are a couple images of the very little work I've been doing (Gili wondered out loud today why I haven't been posting artwork pics). I haven't been making objects. I'm cleaning out what I have with me, mailing lots of stuff away, using up supplies, throwing things out, and practicing piano. Last night, I had a breakthrough. But I feel really isolated. I haven't been talking about this for a while, but I'm worried about my self and my work, like we're drifting into outer space b/c we've lost our orbit; the gravitational pull has let us go. I'm considering just pulling out of the art rat race, becoming another face in the regular life rat race, and getting more material and juice for getting back in the game. Who knows. I just feel like I haven't positioned myself well, am not going after the right opportunities, and am getting too old to do whatever I feel like. I fear I don't play well with others, and it's only getting worse.

[WOW. I just got another pushy email about buying refurb. It's like when the relationship gets so bad that your friends get very vocal about dumping the guy.]

I had a nice walk today on the trails, ate too much at lunch and dinner, and had great conversations with the other residents. I also spun a bunch of shifu and Michelle insisted that I have to knit the book I started, so I did a page of that. Now I feel super anxiety. Maybe it's b/c I keep drinking a glass of shitty red wine at dinner. Oh, and my computer. And realizing I have just under a week left here!! EEEEEE.


polarchip said...

No! Only one week? You just got there!!!

Gili Warsett said...

I really like your new art. Also, I'd like everyone to know that I am not one of the people pushing Aimee to get a new computer, so please don't demonize me. (However, I am in favor.)

Paulettasaurus said...

Hey, I think it's normal to have lulls in productivity and enthusiasm. Just remember that getting out of the art rat race is different from getting out of any other rat race, and I would imagine it's harder to get back into than any other as well. You're doing great so far and I think you should keep going for it.

jrp said...

hang in there, aimee. It helps me to remember that the tide goes in and out. And in the meantime just do whatever's most interesting.