Tuesday, November 21, 2006

SOS

I miss the innocence of my Chicago days. Or at least the forced ignorance and denial. Before I moved, more than three years ago, Rod told me not to do three things in the midwest. I only remembered one thing: "Don't get fat, Aimee." Well, the midwest broke me. I am now only a couple pounds away from the heaviest I have ever been in my life (college, of course), and it doesn't feel or look good. I got in yesterday, and realized the benefits of having a sister w/a similar build: you can see what you could look like if you didn't let yourself go. Ouch. Now I realize that the full-belly feeling is permanent, and my belly doesn't actually come back in after digesting the disgusting amounts of food I've been ingesting.

I think the trouble started this summer in Michigan, where we had tons of food all the time and dessert at least twice a day. I have always had an incredibly conflicted relationship with food, and now I'm scrutinizing it again. I am a control freak. But I give up all control around food. I have been a binge eater since high school. I pride myself on being able to consume enormous quantities of food. I now eat things that several years ago I considered poison. I am a full-blown sugar addict. I have created rituals around food with others that basically set up traps for me and others, so that everyone becomes an enabler. When I say no, people say, "you know you want it."

So, it's time to shore up my boundaries. And I need major help. I already had two goals for December: massive reduction of refined sugars, as well as a week-long fast early in the month. Now, I think I need to change what I do with friends, so that we meet for tea instead of meals. I have to say, "no, I really mean no." I need to remember I'm not living on a farm anymore: no more excuses for bacon, ice cream, and beer. No excuses EVER for Crisco or Velveeta (unless I'm using the former to clean my printing equipment).

As much as I make life difficult for myself, I don't want to bring on adult-onset diabetes (I have inherited this propensity, and it is a very real possibility). Must reduce and shift consumption. More exercise (I couldn't keep up w/my sister this a.m. when I walked her to the subway station!! I don't walk quickly anymore!! It's like my muscles have shortened). Rehydrate. And: better sleep habits. Depriving myself of sleep alters the cortisol levels that regulate my appetite and guide me as to WHEN I eat. I'm hoping to at least get lots of sleep before I see my parents for turkey day. B/c that's the last piece of the nightmare: mom. She is brutal, and will rip me to shreds when she sees the weight gain. I have to prepare myself accordingly w/a good battle plan. I want to be only fat, not fat and haggard. Until then, I'm going to postpone socializing, so I can take care of myself

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous4:20 PM

    Aimee,
    Part of saturn return is that you learn that all your parents crap is just that, theirs. it's time to start responding with comments that in the past you would have choked on such as, "I'm glad you are concerned for my well being" while thinking, [huh, I wonder what is unresolved for her... glad I'm living my life and not trying to control someone else's]. then say, "hey, mom, do you want to go on a walk with me to see if the stars are out?"
    xo,
    diana

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  2. aww... i cant stop eating either.. For the first time since i was 11 i am under 200pounds, and now of course its the holidays. My goal is to fast from now to the new year.

    Also thats an adorable pic of you 2. I wish you guys were my friends.

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  3. diana, thank you. there is sooo so oooo o oooo much baggage w/mom that sometimes i wonder how she's gotten so far w/all that weight. i'm trying to figure out the best way of approaching it, and how to communicate to her in a way that helps me stand up for myself, but doesn't blow up into the usual fights. actually, i'm already doing something now that i've never done, which is fly into nyc and not go straight to her. baby, baby steps.

    michael: not true! at least, i'm your friend. terttu would be more attentive if she wasn't so crazed w/her life. i don't think it's possible for you to FAST until the new year, but maybe it will be possible to not overeat. and not too much egg nog! hahaa. i had tam look up the ingredients of that after you told me about it being a t-day tradition for you.

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  4. First, your sister does not have a similar build. It seems to me that she is naturally on the slender side and she's taller than you. Don't compare. Second, if you gained weight, it doesn't show. You have that perfect build that distributes the weight around, I guess.

    Even as a vegetarian who is cutting back on the refined sugars, I don't believe in restrictions. Just make smart choices and you can have that yogurt smoothie for lunch. Trust me.

    I second Diana's comment. You know already that your mom will never think your body is perfect. That's her way. Learn to love what you have.

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