Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Back in Chicago; bad dreams

I suddenly, as I opened up my computer just now, remembered some of my intense dreams last night: the banya caught on fire and was burning down. I was devastated. Ed and I were in his car, it was winter, the ground was covered in thick ice but it was melting underneath us, and I saw a huge blaze in the distance (it wasn't even the farm landscape: lots of hills). Shawn had built an additional wood frame around the original shed, and the whole thing was on fire. By the time we reached Shawn and Chela, he didn't seem too upset at all, like he could always build another one. I said, why don't we put the fire out?? And they said it was a propane fire and that water wouldn't stop it. So horribly sad.

Anyhow...I made it back yesterday to Chicago after a slight delay and a chatty person in the aisle. My last meal in Nebraska: grilled cheese w/bacon & tomato, ice cream bar. My first meal in Chicago: warm goat cheese, white pizza w/tomato & basil, ice cream sundae. I almost got beer, but I was with Tam so I didn't. I think that's the first meal I've had w/someone who doesn't drink since I left Chicago.

I went downstairs to storage today and am kind of overwhelmed by all the crap that I have to deal with. Maybe I just want my stuff to all burn so I don't have to think about it anymore. Actually, I keep wanting to start fires right now to get rid of garbage.

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:12 AM

    wow. intense. i sometimes want my stuff to just go away too. this becomes really obvious during moving and after living out of boxes and suitcases for several months. i just don't need it. i feel like i've been slacking on commenting on your blog. i'm going to try to be better. welcome back (home? if you consider chicago home).

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  2. ellie6:15 PM

    i'm so depressed. i just watch oprah (mistake) and i feel like i'm doing NOTHING with my life. the isolation of texas is settling in. i feel like i'm not 'doing' anything. do you know what i mean? it's like you looking at all of yoru stuff vs just burning it. i guess it would be irrational. you know oberlin's slogan: one person can change the world. well... i'm waiting for my turn ot kick in. i guess i feel lost. any ideas?

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  3. gili--no, chicago isn't home for me. it's all work, really. i feel dehydrated, over salted, and overwhelmed by all the things i have to take care of.

    ellie--i think you are doing a lot w/yr life! you're teaching, and that's better than sitting around doing nothing. it's a hard path. i feel like i'm swimming in an endless ocean and there isn't really any land and i see lots of people very comfortable in their boats. and sometimes i just get tired of swimming, and even of treading water, and floating isn't always that nice. once in a while, someone throws a noodle my way, or invites me onto the boat for a meal, but pretty much i'm just out in the wide open water. sometimes it's good. sometimes it's hard. so maybe it's just the hard time for you: dark, rainy, windy, not so many boats to climb onto. but it won't be like that forever. i promise.

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  4. Anonymous10:07 PM

    Where do you feel like you're home? Or is it not like that at all?

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  5. i feel at home in new york. but sometimes i feel stifled by it - that happens more BEFORE i get there.

    and i feel at home w/certain PEOPLE, no matter where we are geographically.

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