Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Control issues

I know. Still SO on the computer (but see how well I printed the words on this w/my left hand? I'm getting better at it). AND I ate a ton of chocolate-covered cookies. People (not a whole lot, but some) have asked me if I have an eating disorder, and I'm not always sure how to answer that question. I know that I have enormous issues around food / eating / love / control / etc., certainly. I did my laundry today and was disgusted w/how tightly everything is fitting, and know that I've lapsed into poor eating habits here. It's frustrating, but seeing as I've been looking up hot dog recipes (using smart dogs...sigh. No tofu pups in Nebraska as far as the eye can see), I don't see much changing.

I did walk today and saw some harvesting. The combine (or whatever that truck thing is) plows and then every so often will dump a huge roll of stuff on the ground. It's like carpeting. When I got back, I visited the red barn and saw mama owl. HUGE. I got a super duper SASE today from Marlene: this is HIGH mail art. I adore the marble and that it says "Ant Farm." I worked on a bunch of drawings today but was really frustrated - I cut up and flipped a bunch of them. The big one I wanted to make for Jami I thought sucked ass, but Chela tonight was not so harsh, so I think I'll try to salvage it.

I rinsed my fiber this afternoon and got bitten by mosquitoes even though the temperature dropped a bunch. I had Shawn and Chela help me build my papermaking station upstairs (okay, so they did it all. I just took pictures). They are amazing. I can't get over how sweet and generous and smart and skilled they are. I feel like the little baby kid tagalong w/them: all I know is how fat I'm getting and that I'm picking all the skin off my fingers, but they know how to cut and drill and undrill and tape and engineer and lift heavy things...I HATE being injured like this b/c I feel like I make everything worse, like I can't really help and when I do it's more of a hindrance. I just want to be strong, but I feel weak.

We hauled all the equipment upstairs: an industrial blender, tons of buckets, my "vat," a converted wheelbarrow that Ed enameled beautifully, the vat stand, a 4x4 foot board to act as my couching surface, and a dry mount press. Shawn gave me nylon-reinforced vinyl and we first lined the floor with it, screwed and taped. Chela screwed a 2x4 onto the vat stand to be one support for the couching table, and the two of them also lined the table board with vinyl. She screwed the top into the vat stand and we set up buckets stacked two high on the other end to act as legs.

It's beautiful. I feel so lucky to have three really talented artists creating a papermaking outfit for me. Of course I have huge 'I don't deserve it' issues around it all, but mostly now I just want to slip and slide all over the lovely plastic on the floor. Tomorrow I'll try beating the fiber by (left) hand. I can't believe it's all slowly coming together!


  1. when is your birthday? what date?

  2. sorry, i keep forgetting to tell you!! oct 16. monday.

  3. If people ask you if you have an eating disorder, you should just say, "Yes." Not because I think you qualify or whatever, but just that seems like an intrusive question to ask, and what kind of freaking question is that anyway? Or you could say, "I'm not sure, you'll have to ask my nutritionist/psychologist/psychiatrist/ex-boyfriend."

    It's so nice that you have art friends help you with your equipment and stuff. The Farm sounds like a dream.

  4. you're SO right. i love having smart friends. i forget that questions like that, and, "are you going to have a baby?" to married people, are totally inappropriate.


thanks for visiting!